Here I am again (Open)

Colin stood in the front of the house, smoldering ruins really, as memories sweeped in. All in flashes nothing complete.

A laugh, a flash of brown hair, a smile.

Those were the good ones, but the bad ones were there too.

A scream, the blaring beeping of an alram, smoke, coughing - where was she? Where was she?

His chest twisted painfully, as he tried to fight away those thoughts, but that was all that was in his head.

He shouldn't have come back here - that was evident. It was doing anything but helping.

But now that he had... there was no way he was leaving.

So there he stood, staring blankly at the chared remains that once had been his home and remembering the life that had been lead there.

And the fire that had ended it.

Ingrid had been walking down past her grandfathers house and she had decided that she would go and check out one of the buildings that she had seen on her way here. Her arm still stiff she moved slowly through the streets until she found it once more, but a man was standing right in front of it.

Squeaking softly she hid behind one of the lampposts and muttered in Russian for a moment thinking about what to do and she peeked out again before moving slowly over to the man.

"Eh, heello are vou lost?" her Russian accent thick as she spoke

It took a long moment for Colin to even register that the voice was speaking to him. He was so lost in his own memory that the house probably could have caught on fire again and he wouldn't have noticed.

That's not true... he would have thought it was all happening again.

But slowly the thick accent seeped into his brain.

"Huh?" he blinked at the young girl, she couldn't have been much older than some of his youngest students. He was sure he hadn't seen her before but was possible she was one of his students. Or at least a hogwarts student.

Finally he collected his thoughts into some form that made him capable of an answer.

"Lost in thought, yes. Lost physically...." he trailed off and looked back at the house, "Its possible not where I should be, but I am where I planned on being."

Ingrid wasn't very good at this metaphorical language the English liked to use so she had to think a while before responding to Colin, biting her lip she moved out even further from behind the lamppost.

"Zo, you are alright zen?"

Smiling softly she reached down to itch the part of her bruising that wasn't covered by a bandage, that meant that it had grown, and technically she was supposed to go home without going any further.

"I am zorry to disturb you."

Colin realized that he had confused her with his borderline psychodic rants. Of course a girl who's English is a second language wouldn't understand his mindless play on words.

"Sorry," he apologized sincerly. He knew it couldn't be pleasant to be confused, especially if all she was doing was trying to be nice.

He paused to think about it for a moment. He was tempted to be truthful, but he couldn't put his problems on this child. He wouldn't put it on anyone but certainly not a child.

He nodded his head, hoping that no matter how much ranting he may end up doing the girl would understand the gesture, "I'm... I'll survive."

He had survived then and he guess he could survive now. He'd half to now, for...

"It is fine," he waved off the girls apology, "To be perfectly honest I probably needed some disturbing."

Ingrid looked at the man, it was obvious that he was lying to her, even though she was foreign she wasn't stupid, but she supposed that he didn't really want to tell her, that she wasn't the right person to tell.

"Mhm okay zen, if you're sure."

She said cheerfully moving a little closer, her knees not bending properly as she walked, making her look a little stiff.

"Surviving...iz not living, and you should alvays try to live..."

Ingrid knew what it was like to be trapped, she didn't like it, but there was nothing she could do about it, and it seemed that there could be something this man could do about it so he should.

"My name is Ingrid, Ingrid Valenska, vat is yours?"

He smiled softly at the girl's statement, "That is very true. You are quite a wise girl."

"Hello Ingrid," Colin greeted her witha nod of his head, "I'm Colin O'Brian," after a second thought he nodded his head towards the ruin, "I use to live here you know."

Colin tilted his head to the side as he watched the girl walk, her steps weren't quite normal, "Maybe I should be asking if you are okay?"

Ingrid smiled softly when he said that she was wise, it was one thing she actually was, being ill all the time meant that she had nothing to do but read, and read she did.

"Zank you zir..."

Looking at the man and then to the building the question she most wanted to ask was 'What happened?' but she didn't ask it, it was obvious that the man wasn't in the mood to answer questions like that.

"You did? It must be terrible for you to loose your ome like zat..."

Ingrid's eyes widened and she shook her head: "No no I am fine, but zank you for asking."

He nodded his head at her, "You are very welcome."

Colin gave her a long apraising glance. He didn't tell her truth when she asked, so then he can't try to get her to do the same.

"If you are sure."

He looked back the house for a long moment. Memories flashing before his eyes again.

"Yes... it was," he said softly, caught up in his own thought, "But.. there are worse things to lose."

Ingrid looked at Colin and she smiled softly, he was the first person that hadn't badgered her about what was wrong and it made her feel a lot better about how she felt.

"Yes, I am sure."

She nodded, she could definately sense that there were worse things that had happened to the man in front of her.

"I know...you could loose somevone special to you...and zat vould be much vorse."

"Well, then, that's good," he nodded giving the girl a fleeing apraising look before turning back to the main focus of his gaze.

Home, sweet home.

Or what had once passed as that.

"It is," he said softly, not really able to stop himself.

He closed his eyes trying to push all things back. He couldn't do this, not right now, and certianly not to a child...

Although Ingrid seemed to be a lot wiser than most children.

It wasn't supposed to be anyone's burden but his own...

Except he couldn't stop himself now.

The images flashed before his eyes now, blonde hair, the brightest smile you had ever seen. Everything facinated her - everything. She was just so, so...

"Her name was Keira, Keira Murphy," he smile faintly as he spoke in an even tone, "And she was a Muggle."

Ingrid could see that Colin was wrestling with something, with his conscience maybe? Or was he trying to tell her something?

Either way Ingrid stood by patiently looking into his eyes as he seemed to think deeply and conflictingly about what he was going to say to her next.

Maybe it was connected to the fire? With that Ingrid resolved her mind, she was going to help Colin because she had never seen someone so sad in the past few years and it looked like he needed help.

"I zee, loosing a loved vone, nozing can compare can it?"

Moving forward Ingrid held Colins hand.

"You can tell me, it's okay, it vill feel better."

Colin looked down in slight surprise as the young girl took his hand; after a long moment he gave her a soft smile before turning back to the wreck.

"Nothing can," he nodded his head as he spoke - he couldn't help but agree.

Of course, there was always one other thing, that could be worse than losing a loved one.

That was when it was your fault.

This - the wreck, Keira, everything - it was his fault.

He felt his eyes warm slighltly with mosture but he didn't really care.

"It should have been me - it was supposed to be me."

When Colin looked at her she blushed a little bit, Ingrid didn't know if she was supposed to do that, or if he was mad at her for being so forward, but sometimes people just need a bit of pushing to make them feel better.

"Do you believe in vat zey zay? Zat ve never truly lose our loved vones...?"

Ingrid didn't want to seem like she was lecturing this man, him being a man and she a girl, but she just wanted to understand him. See what she could do to help him.

"Vhy? Vhy do you zink zat?"

Not judging him, Ingrid simply looked up with patient eyes at him, wanting to hear the rest of the story before she could elaborate.

Colin thought about her question for a long moment; there were times when he would automatically want to say no - that there was nothing left of Kiera, and it was pointless to think so.

But then an image of a little girl with hair as blonde and eyes as blue as her mother's and he gave a soft smile.

"Yes," he breathed, "I think, sometimes... if we're lucky enough, they do."

He felt a lump in his throat as he thought about that night - that horrible horrific night. His chest twisted painfully.

"Because it is true," he said simply after a long moment, and gave a little shrug, "Her parents- her parent, found out about my magic... she wasn't supposed to be home."

He paused for a long moment, hearing things that weren't there - the slam of a door, the foot steps on the floor above him.

"It was supposed to just be me."

Ingrid simply watched Colin quietly, she knew that he would tell her when he was ready and she squeezed his hand as he said that he did believe that it happened.

"Vell zen, you should focus on zat...she vouldnt have vanted you to vaste your life in grief vould she?"

As she heard the circumstances Ingrids eyes widened, she couldnt help but let a small noise of disgust from her mouth, how could you kill your own daughter? Or her husband?! How idiotic!

"Zats not your fault, zat is ze fault of some idiotic magic biased vizards! How could zey do zat?!"

Colin smiled ruefully, "No, she wouldn't."

He let himself get lost in some happier memories and was suprised to find that in that instant they didn't hurt as much - Oh there was still a horrible twist in his chest, a deep empty longing that he doubted would ever be filled, but it didn't feel quite so unbareable any longer.

"Keira was..." he shook his head and surprised himself as a soft laugh esacped his throat, "she was the most optamistic, happy-go-lucky person I have ever met; it almost got on your nerves at times. You wondered how anyone could be so..." he trailed off as words ran through his head Naive, innocent, hopeful...

"Perfect." he breathed.

Colin shook his head sadly, "You can tell yourself that - your logic can go over and over those facts - but... there is no difference to the mind. Its still your fault."

It's still my fault.

Ingrid could hear from the tone in his voice and his smile, that if she hadn't have known it before Colin was in love so deeply with this lady, that it would be impossible for him to ever forget her.

"She zounds like an amazing voman, somevone zat I vould love to grow up to be like, but, you must at least, try to resign yourself to moving on."

The way that he told her that his wife was perfect made Ingrid's heart flutter, it showed such passion...and yet such a profound loss that she thought it beautiful.

"That indeed is very true, but you must at least try to live on...to seperate the grief from your life..."

Biting her lip Ingrid hung her head, she didn't know what to do or what to say about this anymore, she had no real experiance of loss as nobody had extually died but she still missed her parents.

Colin nodded with a smile, "She really was ... amazing."

Again Colin paused for a long moment; his brain surprisingly blank... surprisingly calm. He knew that the memories, and pain were all still there, but for the moment...

For the moment he felt better; not perfect but better. What Ingrid said made sense. Of course he had known it all before, but... there always was a difference in hearing it from someone else.

Maybe if someone else knew it was true, than... his mind couldn't be as wrong as he originally thought.

"You are a remarkably wise girl, Ingrid Valenska," he said softly, with a smile.

Moving on would be hard, but... maybe, just maybe - it didn't seem quite as impossible anymore.

It seemed as if just by talking to her that all of Colin's worries had temporarily vanished for the moment and she smiled softly, she wanted very badly to stay with him until she knew that he was okay and he wasn;t going to do anything stupid.

"Ah, I am not zat vise..."

Ingrid smiled softly, she tended to just learn from experiance, and her experiance at the moment was missing her mother, very very badly.

"I just know how you veel, I miss my family, and I veel like zey have died."

Colin turned and gave her a soft smile, "Don't sell yourself short, Ingrid - however you got it, you are a wise young lady. And I thank you... you have been a good person to talk to."

Colin raised an eyebrow at her last comment.

"Oh? Where are they - if you don't mind me asking?" He didn't want to push the girl. Just because he had spilled his inner demons to a almost complete - but wise - stranger didn't mean she had to.

Ingrid smiled widely at Colin, she felt, for the first time in a while, that she was good at something and that someone, regardless of who, looked past her outward appearance to see who was on this inside.

"Vell zen, I am in no position to disobey you, I am sure zat ve vill meet again, but I go to Hogwarts soon..."

Her smile faultered a little bit and Ingrid looked at the floor, maybe, maybe this was a good time to talk to someone about her parents, since she hadn't even told Richard about them yet.

"I...My parents, zey, zey are still in Russia, zey sent me here to live with my grandpapa, and I miss zem a lot."

Colin gave her a little grin, "Well lucky for you, or perhaps unlikely if you've had enough of me, I just so happen to teach a class at Hogwarts, so you won't be able to get rid of me that easily."

Colin gave the girl a long glance. She seemed to be thinking something of a serious nature.

"Ah absent makes the heart grow fonder," he cooed for a moment, before giving the girl a rueful grin, "I always found that it was a fancy way of saying that being away from those we care about completely sucks."

He gave a little laugh and shook his head.

"Was there a particular reason you are here and they are there?" he asked slowly after a pause, "Do you want talk about it?"

Ingrid smiled softly and she couldn't quite believe that she had been talking to a professor all this time and she hadn't known, it made her feel almost ashamed of her actions and she bowed stiffly to him.

"Forgive me, if I had have known, I vould have showed the respect you deserve."

Moving up from her bow Ingrid shook her head, a sad smile on her face, even though she was 14 and assumed not to know half of the things that she did infact know, her burden was great.

"It does...as you say...suck."

Ingrid smiled up at Colin, a sad smile, she knew what was happening at home and it was even worse that her parents didn't think she was old enough to be told the truth, it would have been worse for her if she hadn't have overheard Grandpapa.

"Mama is dying, and zey do not vant me to see, so zey sent me here, zo zat I may get my Grandpapa's help so I do not die in ze zame vay she is..."

She gestured at her bandages with a sniffle.

Colin laughed and waved off her bow and apology.

"Don't worry about it - after school is out, I'm not a professor," he leaned forward with and add with a whisper, "And to tell you the truth I don't feel like much of a professor in class either."

He gave her a nod as she repeated his statment, "Who has time fore elquacy when they are suffering?"

Colin listened to the girl, feeling shocked the more she talked, but striving - and he was pretty positive he was succeeding - in keeping it off his face.

"I'm sorry for your mother." What with everything that had been said about Kiera he knew that he had to say no more.

"It is wrong that your parents choose not to trust you with information," he said slowly after a moment. Colin was of the belief that everyone should be honest when at all possible. "However, as a parent I do understand the desire to protect."

He smiled as he thought of Delaney.

so I do not die in ze zame vay she is... It seemed wrong that one so young could be anywhere close to dying, but he felt as if it made a lot of sense for the girls demeanor.

He looked at the bandages with a sad little grin, "Illness is something that the young should never have to suffer through, but then it always seems like they end up being the best at getting through it when they do."