To Be...Or Not To Be? (Ino and Richie)

Ingrid ran into the cave as fast as her legs would carry her, the broken ring still on her
finger and she threw it off into the depths of the cave, hearing it clink off the rocks in the background.

"Vhy?! Vhy does zis alvays happen?!"

She grabbed at her hair and pulled it hard crying loudly as she tried to fight and forget the insults thrown her way, the look of disgust in their eyes as they saw her for what she truly was, Ingrid looked at herself in a puddle on the floor and sobbed.

It wasn't the first time that she had thought of it.

Ingrid had contemplated a fair few times whether she could actually take her own life, if she could swallow this little pill and end it all, taking the shaky hand she had Ingrid reached into her bag and took out the pill box, a red pill inside.

"It could all be over...over all zo quickly..."

Placing the pill near her lips Ingrid took what she hoped would be her last breath and wondered just how different things may have been if her mother was here with her.

Richard had been keeping tabs of Ingrid as she went about her life, free as a bird. Of course he had a right to do this as a professor concerned about the health of one of his students. He'd aparated quietly into the cave when he'd found Ingrid moving towards it and was just in time to catch the broken ring after it pinged off one of the rocks.

He was conflicted about stepping in to comfort her, the guildlines did not give him the right to help the child for some stupid reason but he thought about it anyway. But when he saw her take a red pill out of a pillbox, Richard decided that the rules could be damned. Pointing his wand at the pill, it flew out of Ingrid's hand and into Richard's as he stepped into the light,

"You seem troubled Ingrid." he greeted her quietly as he sat down on the rock beside her, side by side with her, "Talk to me about it Ingrid. Maybe it'll make you feel better."

Ingrid cried out as the pill was taken away from her just like that, it was a rare moment when she was angry and she looked at the man who she recognised to be Richard with a mixture of hatred and despair in her eyes.

Holding out a shaky hand to him she took a deep breath and narrowed her eyes.

"May I have zat back?"

Quite frankly it was none of his business if she chose to do this or not, it would make everyone feel better she, the burden, the freak, would be gone and there would be no more pressure on her, no more sickness.

"I don't vant to talk about zis!! I vant it to be over! I don't...I don't vant to be like zis anymore..."

Ingrid sniffles, not crying but her voice was low from the effort it took not to cry.

As Richard held the pill in his hand, he frowned a little bit and used what little wandless alchemy he could to change the contents of the pill. No sense in giving a depressed girl a pill that could actually kill her. He handed her the pill, now nothing more than a sugar pill but unchanged from the outside,

"Of course." he replied quietly, "I just didn't want you to take something in haste."

He could see that she was very upset; what girl would almost kill herself with a pill if she wasn't? But he could also see that she was mostly just raging out and internally as well. Something had happened to her since he last saw her and he was determined to find out what it was,

"What happened to turn the girl with dreams of being a dancer into the girl with a dream of nothing?" he asked her quietly, "Tell me what happened Ingrid. I know it's hard but I'm here for you."

Reaching out, he held one of her hands gently in his.

Taking the pill Ingrid placed it back in the little gold box and slips it back into her bag, looking at her feet she tried to calm herself down, but all she was left with was a sense of crushing blackness which never seemed to leave her.

"Zank you."

She whispered softly still looking at her shoes.

Ingrid smiled vaguely, although she was no rash person this action did seem melodramatic, but, she had taken on board what Richard had said to her, that being a doll still meant that she, herself was dead.

With nothing but death ahead of her, and the taunts whe she was alive, Ingrid found it hard to find anything to live for.

"Dreams...zey vill not come true for me. I know zis now. I'm afraid Richard...zo afraid...I...all my life I dream of the day I become a doll. To escape zee death in my limbs, to die and be reborn, but...I vill never be truly alive...I vill not feel...I vill not be...and if someone who vas never alive chooses to end zier none existance, vhy stop them?"

Richard was glad that Ingrid put the pill back in the pillbox and hide it away again. Now, if she attempted this again, she would find it unsuccessful and would probably not blame him. The way she looked at her feet, at the ground, at her shoes or just anything other than him, made Richard frown slightly,

"Ingrid..." he sighed a little, "It is a choice you do not want to make. Believe me Ingrid, no matter how black the world seems to you now... it will brighten."

The vague smile did little to comfort him, if anything, it seemed to make him a little bit more on edge. He'd seen the smile before, it was a hollow smile. And a hollow smile, with the eyes dull but the smile in place, was worse than crying. It was an attempt to convince others of your own happiness, an attempt to cover up when you were on the verge of breaking down,

"Dreams can come true for everyone Ingrid. You just have to believe in them." he told her quietly, smiling softly at her but without the pity that she would no doubt dislike at this time, just hope, "It's alright to be afraid Ingrid. It might be a bit strange coming from the Head of Slytherin and not Gryffindor, but courage is not the absense of fear but the ability to rise above it. Rise above you fears and live your dreams. Here... let me show you something..."

Holding her hand, a wooden replacement, Richard closed his eyes and began to concentrate. Slowly, ever so slowly, a glow began along her arm. It started at her fingertips, turning the magical wood into real, undiseased, human flesh. Forcing more magic into the wandless alchemy, Richard focused harder than ever and the glow sped up, replacing everything wooden in right hand, arm and shoulder with undiseased and healthy flesh. With it stable, Richard opened his eyes again with a gasp,

"Jesus... I need to practice my wandless alchemy..." he muttered to himself before gesturing at her newly reformed and improved right arm and shoulder, "Healthy, strong and human. Give me enough time and I can make the rest of you like this."

Ingrid looked at Richard with dull eyes, she was just meant to live one more day, one more lonely day and then that would be it for her, she could end this heartbreak and this endless feeling of ugliness, of being less than everyone else.

"I don't vant to believe any more, I just vant it to end, zere is a hole in my heart zat is growing vider I can feel it..."

Looking down at her knees Ingrid bit her lip and tried to think about a happier time, when she could walk without being crippled five minutes later, and when she could actually run and wear short sleeved tops happily.

"I'm dying, do you know vat zat feels like? To die? Slowly. Every day, every minute and every second that I breathe I decay and die, it iz true zat ve all do...but I am dying faster zan I vant, and I can feel it."

As Richard grasped hold of her hand, Ingrid watched with wide eyes as he turned it back to normal skin and she snatched her hand away from him with a look of complete blind fury and distress on her face.

"What have you done to me?! Now I vill have to vatch, again, as zat part of me decays and dies, I vill have to have it amputated again! You just made everyzing vorse!"

The dull eyes she locked on him were rather distressing for him. Eyes that dull were not a good sign. If anything, they were a sign that his young friend had given up a long time ago and was only just now progressing to the stage where she began to think that death was better,

"Do you know what I used to believe?" he asked her quietly, looking at the cave wall opposite to them, "I used to believe what my father said was true. I used to believe that all I could ever be was a killer, a soldier. Everything I learnt made me an ideal soldier, an ideal killer. But do you know what I do now? I'm a professor. A teacher. A father. A husband. I build instead of create now. At that time though it was all hopeless to me. At that time my only hope for the future was to choose the time and place of my death. Against the odds I got out of that and so can you Ingrid."

Richard sighed sadly at what Ingrid was saying. Her condition was degenerative to be sure but the fact that it seemed to be working faster now was bad. He glanced at her with a sad smile,

"I know what it's like to die, unfortunately." He frowned a little bit, "But it was fast for me. I was shot and, for quite a few moments, I was dead. But I clawed myself back eventually. You know what I think? I think you have time to be saved Ingrid. Don't waste it by cutting straight to the end."

He glanced at her initial reaction and was mildly surprised that she was so pissed at him. But when she mentioned that the arm would die and have to be cut off again, Richard narrowed his eyes slightly,

"Insult me as much as you want but don't insult my work." He held onto her hand and gave it a squeeze, "You think I put emphasis on the healthy part because it's healthy now? No. This limb, will STAY healthy for as long as it's attached to you. Do you know why? Because I have altered it. I have changed it's make-up so that it can reproduce healthy tissue."

He dropped her hand,

"And it was bloody difficult." he muttered, "Too fast and you get cancerous growths. Too slow and it just degrades more slowly. No, I think it's a good balance. It'll last about five years at that level even if I didn't balance it out properly anyway. Then it'll be a little less than perfect and I'll replace it again. Either way, I recommend you come see me for 'check-ups'."

Ingrid should have been, but wasn't, bothered that she was now sharing a cave with a mass killer, but she really couldn't care less and maybe if she annoyed him enough he would put her out of her misery himself.

The fact that Richard had been able to change himself only made herself seem more annoyed that he had been able to do that she she hadn't.

"Zat is great and all for you, but I am nezer a killer or in need of not becoming vone. Zo, I don't really have many zings to look forvard to ven all people see when zey look at me is zome sort of mummified freak."

Richard was beginning to get on her nerves, there really was nothing that she could do about this, it was out of her hands, and she would rather not go through the pain and distress of loosing limbs and just end this right now.

"You don't know vat zis feels like." she said simply, in a dead kind of voice "It is all very good you giving me zis advice, but you don't know vat zis is like, zo you can't zay."

As Richard began to get angry at her Ingrid looked at him, blinked a few times and took a deep breath before her face crumpled and she cried, loudly, and seemingly letting every horror that she had gone through out through the tears that fall from her cheeks.

Richard could still see the defeated slump that Ingrid sat with, as if the weight of all of her worries and sorrows was resting on her shoulders. That wasn’t too surprising when you considered that he’d stopped her committing suicide not two minutes ago,

“It’s not supposed to be exactly like your life Ingrid. It was a comparison.” He told her quietly, “To be honest, you can fight through this. For whatever reason, probably having dealt with it for years, you’ve decided to stop fighting. Personally I don’t understand why. How do you know something is impossible if you don’t give it your all and try?”

He could see that his words were having an effect on her but they seemed to be annoying her more than anything else. Not that he particularly cared if he was annoying her. From where he stood, if he annoyed her that was a small price to pay to save her from her own defeatist attitude,

“No, I don’t know what it’s like. But you know what?” he looked at her with a frown, “Does it matter? No. I don’t need to know how it feels like to know something else… that ending your own life won’t solve anything. Do you really want to run away? Face your problems head on Ingrid. It’s the only way to be rid of them.”

Richard closed his eyes a little bit as Ingrid began to cry. He had lost control of his temper with a little girl just because he couldn’t stand the thought of her simply giving up when there were other options. Well if that didn’t make him feel like a douchebag. Wrapping Ingrid up in a light hug, he shushed her quietly,

“Hey hey… don’t cry Ingrid…” he whispered quietly to her, “You don’t need to cry. I promised to do all that I could to help you and I stand by. If it means I have to renew it every week or everyday, I will give you the perfect body that you want.”

Ingrid looked away from Richard, she didn't want to talk to him anymore, she just wanted to be able to rest in peace, well, maybe not alone but she didn't want thoughts on how to improve, she wanted a hug, and for someone to tell her that it was okay.

"If you zay zo Richard."

She said simply. Trying to ensure that he couldn't have anything else to say back to her, she moved away from him stiffly and half sat down half collapsed on the opposite side of a stone, burying her head in her hands.

Ingrid kept quiet, she wasn't going to talk, she didn't want to make Richard any angrier and she didn't want to make herself any more upset.

As she felt Richards arms around her Ingrid sat there stiffly, both unable to hug from this angle and because she didn't really want to hug him. For some reason she didn't want to have his male mind trying to help her, he wanted someone to comfort her and for her to bitch to.

"Thank you."

Richard could tell that he'd said some things that Ingrid had neither wanted to hear nor was actually ready to hear in her current mindset but they were things he'd had to tell her. He glanced away,

"I'm just trying to give you some hope Ingrid." he told her quietly, "Because you remind me so much of myself. I don't want you to repeat any of the mistakes I did because you're depressed or angry or just feeling empty."

He hugged her as tightly as he could without putting too much pressure on areas he knew to be effected by the disease. He really did just want to help Ingrid. It wasn't in him to deny a vulnerable girl like Ingrid the comfort that he could give her in any form. He rested his head lightly against the back of hers,

"Whatever you need Ingrid... you tell me, okay?" he told her quietly, "You need someone to take your anger out on then you've got me. You want to give my method a longer try you've got me. If you just want to spend some time with someone then you've got me."

Ingrid looked up at Richard, she really wasn't very happy with the way that he seemed to be talking to her but she just didn't seem to muster up enough effort to care, or to explode at Richard for it, so she just looked up at him, and blinked at him, until she could have enough energy and enough motivation to actually speak.

"Okay zen, I understand zis mustn't be convenient for you, but zank you for caring zo much."

Resting her head against the rock Ingrid's eyes widened as it was replaced by the warm feeling of Richard's skin, sighing softly she leant her head back to rest harder against Richard, even just a little hug made sure that she was happier than she was before, just a little comfort makes it all better.

"I need a hug...zats all I ever vant, and somevone zat I can sit on and hold me..."

Ingrid leant up and kissed Richard softly on the cheek grinning softly.

Richard was silent for a long time. He could tell that she wasn’t really used to talking about her feelings, especially when they were so very strong. Of course he wanted to keep talking, to make he feel better, but a part of him knew that to do so would actually do more harm than good so he just sat with her,

“Convenience doesn’t come into it when you’re talking about caring.” He told her with a small smile, “I care about you, Ingrid. That means convenience isn’t an issue for me.”

He was happy that she enjoyed being comforted more physically by him though as it was perhaps one of the only ways he knew he was quite good at comforting others. So he held Ingrid lightly but with enough pressure to let her know that she was secure in his arms,

“You don’t ever have to ask me for a hug Ingrid.” He told her quietly, “You come to me and the first thing I’ll do is give you a hug.”

Richard smiled faintly at the innocent kiss on his cheek and ruffled her hair softly.

Ingrid smiled softly as Richard hugged her to him and she let herself feel a little bit better in his arms, it was something that she wasn't used to and she loved it now that she had experienced it.

"It's zomezing I'm not used to, hugging, or getting touched by people, zo...I'd love a hug everytime that I see you."

With that Ingrid stood up and she moved to sit next to Richard, laying her head against his chest so that you can hear the heart beat in her ear, it was comforting and Ingrid took out her wand and tapped it idlly on the floor.

"I feel a bit silly now...but...I just sort of snapped, it vas because of zoze boys, it was something horrible zat zey said."

Biting her lip she tried to stop the tears welling up but she can't start crying again but Ingrid sighed and swallowed the lump in her throat.

Richard smiled faintly as they hugged each other. If there was one thing Richard had learnt since coming to Britain it was that almost everyone responded well to hugs. Ingrid did. Annie did. Briony did, as long as there were no students around so that he reputation wasn't ruined,

"Well I wasn't either when I first came over. But British people hug quite a lot and I've found that it helps." he squeezed her lightly, "You will always get hugs off of me Ingrid."

He watched her with a cautious smile as she stood up. There was always a chance that she would decide to leave anyway but he smiled more when she sat down next to him again for a closer hug. The way she was tapping his heartbeat out onto the stone with her wand was quite fun to watch for a few seconds before he ignored it in favour of what she said,

"There's nothing wrong was occassionally letting off some steam by snapping Ingrid. But next time come to me so we don't have such a scare alright? I was worried about you." he told her as he idly began to play with her hair, "If you're feeling up to it... what did the boys say?"

Ingrid thought that this might be true, there never seemed to be much loving around Russia, yet, her parents seemed to be the exception that proved the rule and she didn't quite understand why you wouldn't be affectionate.

"Zank you..." she whispered softly

When Richard said that he was worried about her Ingrid bit her lip and looked up at him, blushing slightly, and feeling quite ashamed of herself.

"I am zorry, but you don't need to vorry about me, anyvay, you vere here to stop me."

Gasping softly Ingrid looked at her knees and she hugged her knees to her chest to feel a lot more secure before she started to think about what the boys said, and she decided that it would be a lot easier to just show him.

"Here..."

Ingrid placed her finger on Richard's forehead and sent the memory across it.

It was a few hours before, Ingrid had just come out of the cafe near to the Three Broomsticks and she was making her way, albeit stiffly, home again. Looking up she saw a group of three large boys coming up in front of her and she began to get more nervous as they didn't seem to be changing their course.

As soon as the boys came up to her Ingrid was backed against the wall and she gasped softly, looking up at them with wide eyes.

"Look here she is, the freak I told you about."

"You're right man she's so ugly!"

"And you didn't believe me..."

Ingrid had to bite her lip to keep herself from crying and she just retreated into herself, which wasn't exactly what they wanted her to do.

"What?! Are you thick as well as ugly?"

"Yeah! Speak up mummy girl!"

With that Ingrid broke off the memory with them moving away after slapping her across the face and her leaning against the wall for a few moments in shock.

Richard was happy to give Ingrid as much loving as she needed because he had a lot of love in his heart nowadays. Being with his loving family and not having to deal with anymore emotional trauma (that he knew of) had done wonders to foster the feeling within him,

“Don’t mention it.”

When she blushed a little, Richard saw that it was from embarrassment so simply hugged her a little tighter and shook his head slightly,

“Don’t be sorry Ingrid.” He told her quietly, “What’s done is done. You’re going to be alright from now on and I will be there to make it happen.”

Richard was silent as Ingrid gave him the memory, an impressive bit of magic, and was silent when he was watching the memory.

The only indication that he had watched it at all, initially, was that his right hand, which was placed on the rock, suddenly turned to metal. Hugging Ingrid with his left arm, his right hand dug into the rock as he began to let out his anger and frustration. He didn’t want Ingrid to think any of it was directed at her after all. He hugged her a little tighter into the one-armed hug,

“It’s alright Ingrid.” He cooed softly into her ear, “You’re a beautiful young lady Ingrid. They are scum and when I see them I shall be sure to correct them. Do you know any of their names?”

He was above attacking students but it didn’t mean he wasn’t going to slam their asses into detention.

Ingrid smiled softly as she was hugged closer to Richard, she didn't like sharing her memories with him, it made her vulnerable but then again, it allowed him to see what she had actually gone through and she felt.

"You think so...you really think im pretty?"

Looking up into his eyes with a hopeful look to her own Ingrid wanted to believe that she was but with so many other people telling her she wasn't it was hard to see yourself as anything different.

"I...I don't...I don't know."

Ingrid cried softly into Richards chest, curling his fingers in his shirt and now, in this state she wasn't in control of her memories and she showed him every time that she had been told she was ugly, told she was hopeless, that she should die.

There were many.

Richard hugged Ingrid closer to him because there felt like there was nothing else that would have fitted at this moment in time. She needed to be comforted and hugging her as tightly as he dared was a way for him to comfort her. Without meaning to he even started rocking the two of them slightly while hugging him. Both of them knew that by sharing memories with him, she was opening herself up to him and he found that almost like an honour,

"I do think you're pretty." he told her while looking into her big, hopeful eyes. He stroked her cheek gently, "You are perhaps the prettiest young lady I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. And it's not just exterior beauty... you have a beautiful soul Ingrid."

He stroked her cheek comfortingly before kissing her lightly on the forehead. Pulling away with a happy smile, he gave her a squeeze in the hug and showed her with his expressive eyes that he was telling the truth. When she told him that she didn't know who they were, Richard believed her and that, for some reason, made it even worse. People who didn't know her verbally attacking her, and physically too, was just beyond angering,

"Sh sh sh..." he whispered to her, "It's okay Ingrid. I've got you. I'll find out who they are and they'll pay for it. Don't believe what they say Ingrid even if they say it a thousand times. It's not true."

Richard looked down at her crying into his shirt and his right hand returned to normal before he wrapped her up into a bigger hug. The streams of memories that he was being given was not fun to say the least. He watched as countless people told her that she was ugly or useless or any number of other things. Slowly, he began to thread some memories back to her. None of them were distinct, he just sent her enough to get the feelings. The love, the acceptance, the contentment and the pride.

Ingrid stopped crying quite so badly as she felt Richard hug her to him even more, even though there was a dull pain when he did so it was much better than the seering pain she had felt before, in fact, it was nice, a reminder that she was still alive after all.

"You...you aren't just saying zat, because you vant me to feel better?"

For she knew this was a common trick used amongst adults to try and get children to feel better, even if what they said wasn't true.

She bite her lip and looked up into Richard's eyes, he seemed really angry at those boys, like she had been, but the difference was that he could actually do something and it seemed like he was going to.

"Vat vill you do? You vont hurt zem vill you?"

Ingrid whimpered softly against Richard's chest but as she began to feel the memories from him seeping through into her Ingrid smiled, and calmed even more, feeling a little bit better as he did so.

The fact that Ingrid's tears were dying up a little was a source of hope for Richard that the small girl he'd become so attached to was soon to be back to a more optimistic outlook. It was also nice to be able to hug her now without fearing she'd suddenly wince in and pain not want to be hugged again,

"I, Richard Romain, do swear on my magic that you, Ingrid Valenska, are a very pretty young lady, so mote be it." he intoned, flashing with white light briefly before he smirked at her, "And quite cute too."

Casting a quick lumos spell to show that he had retained his magic, Richard cut off the spell and went back to hugging her, rocking her back and force slightly as she asked him about what he would do to the young boys. He sighed a little. It wasn't in him to harm a child, even if they did, on some level, deserve a punishment,

"I'll give them detention." he told her before scowling, "And if I have my way they'll be expelled."

He held her to his chest protectively as he hugged her, rocking her gently in his arms. Soothing her by softly stroking her hair as he rocked her, Richard thought for a moment before he began to sing to her softly,

"Schlaf, kindlein, schlaf..." he whispered the german lullaby, "Der Vater hüt' die Schaf... Die Mutter schüttelt 's Bäumelein... Da fällt herab ein Träumelein... Schlaf, Kindlein, schlaf..."

Ingrid looked on as Richard swore on his magic that she was pretty and because he seemed so serious and it was like he had made some sort of bond with his magic and had retained it Ingrid was forced to believe what he said was true.

"Vell zen, zere is very little I can do but believe you!"

As she was held closely to Richard Ingrid sighed softly, she loved the fact that she was getting hugged for the first time in her teenage life, in three years or so. Stroking a hand through Richards hair Ingrid smiled gently.

"A detention sounds like a good idea Richard, i like the sound of it, you should make them write lines."

Ingrid giggled softly and as Richard began to sing she blinked softly in disbelief and listened closely to him, happy that he was doing this for her, calming down a lot as he sung, Ingrid was soothed.

"You're a lovely singer..."

He chuckled a little and ruffled her hair a little as she told him that she'd have to believe him now. And that had kind of been the point after all. He held her tightly to him with a smile,

"Then believe me when I say it!" he told her with a grin, "You're a very pretty young lady and anyone who says otherwise is either blind or just jealous."

Richard found it initially odd that Ingrid was stroking his hair. He enjoyed the sensation but to his mind he was the one who should have been stroking her hair. It was part of being cheered up according to Briony. So he played lightly with her hair,

"Well that's a good idea." he grinned a little bit darkly, "I was going to have them go into the forbidden forest for the night but lines works too."

Richard smiled a little as she complimented his singing voice. It wasn't often that he sang, especially a lullaby like that,

"Why thank you Ingrid." he replied with a smile, "I do enjoy singing sometimes."

Ingrid grinned softly and she was held to Richard with his comforting arms, she wanted nothing more than to stay there but she knew that sooner or later she was going to have to move away, and go home.

"Zen I shall..."

Yawning softly Ingrid blinked slowly, and sweetly and she snuggled her head into Richard's chest as he played with her hair, making her even more sleepy than she was before.

"You're making me sleepy....I vill fall asleep if you continue..." she warned

Ingrid purred softly as the lullaby finished and she waited for Richard to say something, but as he did, she jolted out of a light doze that she had found herself in.