Sometimes it Hurts Instead

Kallie sighed and rolled her shoulders as she walked down to the office, a newspaper in her hand. It was an advanced article, not due to come out until the next morning, but it had certainly drew her hand.

Cooper had forced her to do this. He had forced her to go talk about her life, to stop him from doing anything they both would regret.

And now she would have to face what she'd been dreading for days.

Still, she had been going to do it anyways.

She rapped on the door, knowing better than to waltz right into Brock's office. She wasn't in the mood to know what she might see in there, "Brock! I've got things we need to talk about."

He'd known she was there. That's what that delicious distraction of a secretary was for, wasn't it? For once, he was simply leaning against his desk, looking through the files he always proofed first. Couldn't have Eli or Double D's work go to waste, could he?

"Make sure no one else gets in for a while, and ward my office against sound, my dear." He purred into the speaker as he waved the door open. "I do not wish for anyone to over hear." Setting the files down, he picked up a small glass of vodka and took a sip, placing it on his desk. Hiding the motion in rearranging the files into two piles - sorted and not - he leaned over his desk and pressed a small button before turning and facing her again.

His Volchonka.

"How may I help you, Minister?" He asked, a teasing lilt to his voice as he leaned easily against the desk once more. "Please, take a seat, if you would be so inclined." The formal words did nothing to the boyish grin and easy companionable way that just made Brock... Brock.

Seating himself on the edge of his desk, he gestured to the overly comfortable armchair that served as a visitor's seat - the one of the two of them he hadn't used to entertain a guest, that is - and shrugged.

Kallie eyed the man as she walked into the door way, admittedly both a little surprised and a little suspicious at finding him...

Doing something that actually resembled work.

"I'm assuming," she said airily, her eyes narrowing slightly, "This wasn't what you were doing when you let Mr. Cooper walk in was it?"

"No, it isn't." He laughed, placing his hands down on the desk behind him, legs stretching out and crossing at the ankles. "You know exactly what he came in on, though it wasn't as bad as you can imagine." He shrugged a shoulder. "People like him always seem to catch me at my worst."

His eyes lingered on the door over her shoulder, gaze distant as he revisited old memories, better times, less stress.

"We have a lead." He said, his attention flickering back to her. "On the mafia. I'm working on it."

Kallie gave a snort before she could help herself - just the thought of what Cooper walked in on, what his reaction must have been - made part of her amused. However, she had other matters to deal with here. Shaking her head, she gave the man a stern stare.

"Well Cooper combined with your worse is gunning after yours and my job; he has nothing of course, however, I do not have the time to deal with his childish threats, and over inflatted ego. So however you wish to do it, I would kindly wish if from now on, anyone who sees you, sees your best. I never seemed to have a problem finding it... I don't know why you feel the need to keep it from everyone else."

She gave him a long look, that seemed to be saying more than what she was saying now - a look that seemed to be attempting to make up for-for...

"You have a lead?" she raised her eyebrows, and couldn't help but smile, "At least someone does. Half the time I don't even know why I have this job."

She shook her head, looking down at her hands for a moment and freezing, remembering why she was there.

"I have noticed, you and Eli seemed to be getting along."

"He thinks that he would be a better Minister and Head Auror?" He asked curiously, raising an eyebrow. "What is it that he thinks we do, exactly?"

"Aw, Kallie, my best? But it's so difficult to maintain!" He pouted before grinning easily again, sighing. "Suppose I'll give it a try or something. But you know near the Full, I won't be able to have such a... handle on it." He grimaced. "I've been trying."

He raised his gaze to hers easily. "You have the job because you're the best for it. All organized and business like and all that nonsense that no one else could possibly be and live." He grinned teasingly at her before his eyes followed hers to her hands. Something in his chest constricted, but he disguised it by looking over at the wall, where the bar was, looking like he was contemplating a drink rather than thinking about- that.

"Oh yeah, Eli and I are great friends." He grinned again, the smile true and easy. "He's a great guy."

She leveled the man a gaze that she'd given him so many times in their lives, "You know exactly what he thinks were doing Brock."

"Trying is all I can ask," she said with a soft smile. She bit her lip and looked up him for a brief moment, "I still believe in you."

She smiled slightly as he reminded her why she had the job. She shook her head, giving a soft laugh as he said it in such... a Brock way, but the truth was still there.

"He is, isn't he?" she smiled slightly, shaking her head in wonder, forgetting for a moment where she was, who she was talking to, or why she was here doing either, "Sometimes I still don't get how he bothers to put up with me."

Brock grinned at her, half of his mouth lifting higher than the other as she truly amused him. "You're the only one that ever has." He said, his teasing tone momentarily gone. "The rest of the world knows a devilishly handsome lost cause when they see one." He winked at her, teasing once more, as if he hadn't just degraded himself again. "It's simple insanity on your part. Nothing new."

"Well, Volchonka..." He said, taking a sip of the vodka he'd had sitting next to him on his desk. "It seems to be a spreading insanity."

Kallie shook her head, "Its not an insanity."

She swallowed again, watching him for a moment before she looked down at her lap. She couldn't stall anymore. There was no more avoiding the topic. She had to-

Something had to be said.

Only... how was she to begin saying... whatever was sure to ruin whatever odd relationship they had been building.

"Well, you see," she started slowly, tone not betraying any emotion. "Eli's actually part of the reason... sort of the reason why I came to speak to you today."

Grinning teasingly, Brock raised an eyebrow at his Volchonka, his voice matching his expression. "You came here to discuss something that wasn't business? What's the occasion?" It still liked to hit him sometimes; his Nikki had become the Minister. She would have, off course, been the first person he would have appointed the job, but her actually having it? It was a nice thing, really. Something that decided his side. The Mafia had called, of course, but he had declined. He'd done more than that, really. He'd become an active member of the other side, and for what?

The fact of the matter was, Brock Cox knew that he could never fight on a side that wasn't Kallie's, and he would never be able to go against her. Not in a debate, not in a vote, and definitely not in a war. She had been the only person in this world that had never given up on him, and he was almost sure she never would. That small sense of doubt that she'd always be there had tripled since their time in school, when despite all she'd promised, she'd left. It had, of course, been entirely his fault - everything was - but somehow he'd succeeded in actually pushing her away. Far enough that she hadn't come back.

Here she was, though, and the hope that he felt shined in his eyes. He was merely curious, not a single shred of mistrust could be found in his brown puppy dog eyes.

He never thought she'd break his heart twice.

Kallie glace up at him, her face melting into a soft smile, despite the knot in her stomach, despite what she knew she'd have to say. She wanted to take one more moment of just... just being them, whatever 'them' meant. She wouldn't blame him if he never looked at her again after this... or he might not care at all.

She wasn't entirely sure which thought terrified her more.

"I am capable of having a life ever now and again Pentu. Even if it might surprise you."

She paused a long moment looking at him again, before ducking her head, her hand slipping into her pocket, fingers wrapping around the small circle of metal that she had stashed there before entering the room. She squeazed it slightly, trying to remember the way she felt with it on, when she first saw it. Trying to will herself to say this.

"Well, I just thought... considering... everything, that you should hear it from me first," she took a deep breath and nodded her head. "The other night, Eli asked me," she paused for a moment, and despite her other feelings, a soft smile at the memory came to her face, 'Well... Eli asked me to marry him."

Brock grinned back at her, his eyes nearly glowing. Something irrational came over him, something crazy and unwelcome that bubbled in the back of his throat. "Kallie I-" He blinked a few times, then looked down at his feet, frowning slightly and crossing his arms over his chest.

He glanced up at her as she began talking, something foreboding settling in his bones at her tone. She was entirely too hesitant, much like the time she had to explain to him just why he couldn't keep seeing her the first time they'd broken up. Blinking slightly, he cocked his head to the side, looking at her uncomprehending her words for the most part, only getting a slight gist.

He was nothing. Lost. The light behind his usually sparkling brown eyes had disappeared completely.

Just a boy with a burning pocket.

"You said yes." The words were soft, unchallenging, unaccusing. Just words. He didn't understand what was going on, but of this one thing he was sure. His Volchonka wasn't...

Wasn't...

His.

Looking down again, the man deflated, seeming for the briefest moment like the beaten down little orphaned city boy he'd been all those years ago. Shoving his hands into his pockets suddenly, he looked up at her again, his eyes swirling with some unreadable emotion.

Betrayal.

What was next? Eli probably knew their past, he wouldn't want Brock anywhere near his fian-

Closing his eyes, Brock let a whoosh of air out of his lungs on a sigh. He felt like the tiredest man in the world, and he was half convinced that he was. He was a complete failure, couldn't even keep his-

Not his.

"When?" His voice had roughened, the smallest bit of emotion breaking through to ride the low growl of his words.

"Not-" the word got stuck in her throat. It was a squeak, hardly even a word. She had to stop looking at him, if she stopped looking at him then maybe she could, she could-

But the problem was she couldn't look away.

The woman cleared her throat, and tried again, "Not for a while - a year at least... maybe longer. You know me, when have I ever rushed into anything."

She tried to laugh at her weak joke, but it fell flat, the sound ringing hollow.

This wasn't supposed to feel like this - he wasn't supposed to... she was supposed to-

When had everything gotten so messed up? When had it gotten so complicated? Kallie strived on straight cut, yes, no, black and white. She needed that.

And yet when she looked at Brock, and thought about Eli, or looked at Eli and thought about Brock... Nothing made sense. Nothing was clean cut.

Either way someone got hurt - either way she got hurt. How did that even -?

But that was just life, wasn't it? Someone had to win, someone had to lose, and emotions got ran over all the time. If she let them get the better of her then... then...

She'd be no better than her parents.

"This doesn't change- it doesn't -" she started to speak, but realized what a lie those words would be. It changed so many things, it changed everything. Before now... the man had a hope, a chance... but this, this was her making a decision wasn't it? "You're still my friend, my closest friend... hell, my only friend. You always were... even when... we weren't-"

She finally looked away from him, but not out of her own will to do so, but out of her own will to hide her tears, to protect her pride. He didn't need to see her eyes swimming with irrational tears. What was her pain to his... what was-was-

"No one knows me better than you do," she spoke softly, "Sometimes I would wonder if you knew me better than I did. For that reason I'm selfish enough to beg you not to abandon me. I don't- I ask too much, I always do of everyone. I just... doesn't everyone need a friend?"

She sighed and shook her head. She pushed back her chair. She still hadn't looked back at him. "I'll see myself out, yes?"

"I'm sorry."

He'd frozen in her gaze, his brown eyes dark with completely suppressed emotion. He swallowed, taking a deep breath through his nose as he tried to stay silent. He was immediately attacked by her scent, always familiar, always so... her. It was disconcerting, not knowing how often he'd be able to just... breathe her in. He wouldn't be able to look up and smile the same way, or just-

She wouldn't be his.

Why did it hurt? Why did it feel like his heart was- was-

Gone?

Something was wrong with his wolf. It was going insane, tearing at his insides, rippling underneath his skin, even though the moon was hours to come. The message it was relaying hit Brock full on, tearing his heart back into reality and blowing it apart over and over.

He couldn't lose her! She was the only one he had left! She was his-

Volchonka.

Not his.

He jolted, moving after her, taking her hand to stop her retreat. "Don't." He said, his voice rough with sorrow. "Don't cry, Nikki, please. Don't do that." Ignoring everything he himself was feeling, he cupped her face in his hands, staring down into her eyes and brushing her tears gently away with his thumbs. "You should be... happy..." His voice cracked on the word, and he swallowed. "You're getting- you'll be-"

Gone.

"Happy." He repeated, ignoring whatever the hell was causing the back of his eyes to burn. "Don't- don't ever cry for me, Volchonka. Don't. I don't want to be- I only want- you happy, alright?" The corners of his lips twitched forcibly upward, and he offered her the closest to a smile he could manage. Pressing a soft, lingering kiss to her forehead, he pulled away, grabbing his cloak and moving toward the door. "I'll be-" The word 'fine' wouldn't pass through his lips, even though lying would be easier... His voice just didn't seem to be working.

He paused in the doorway, swallowing again before looking back at her, his brown eyes vulnerable. "If you change your- you- you know I'll always be here." Closing his eyes, he turned away, making his way toward the ministry exit.

It was the full tonight.

It'd be a bad one.

A hand reached out, attempting to grab at -

He was already gone.

"I can't- I can't," her shaking hand gripped at the empty air as she heard him disappear behind her, her stuttering response to his words coming far too late for him to do anything about it.

She tried to tell herself that it was better this way. That he had to leave, that he had to-had to...

She couldn't have them both. The world just did not work that way. She had to give up one, to keep the other. If she tried, tried -

Her breathing was starting to hitch as stood alone in the office, her mind swirling with all the options, her heart was bounding in her ear. Panic, that was what she was feeling.

Panick.

Control.

She needed to get control, cotrol of herself, control of-of-of-

Kallie took a half step forward and stumbled. Her breath getting to the point where she wasn't getting any. She was hyperventalating.

She needed, needed -

"Wait! B-Brock, wa-"

The hallway she had managed to get into was empty. SHe shouldn't be doing this, she should just leave him be but, she just she just.

Her head spun dangerously, her hand shaking. She completley ingored the secreatary who rushed forward. Still focused on, on...

"I can't- I can't -" she was stuttering again, the words gasps, "breath."

"VENI!" Brock squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out his secretary's yell as he attempted to escape. He simply couldn't-

"I can't- I can't- breathe-"

He was turning back before he knew what he was doing, pulling her into his arms to aid her balance. He could barely push aside the automatic satisfaction that emanated from his wolf the moment he felt her against him again. Pulling her closer, he gazed into her eyes, taking a deep, slow breath through his nose, taking in her scent as if it were oxygen.

"Breathe, Volchonka." He murmured soothingly. "Just breathe." He waved Deedee away without looking at her, keeping their gazes locked.

"I'm right here."

Kallie thought she was going to fall over, she moved to brace herself against whatever was nearest and then suddenly she wasn't, and he was there.

She let her gaze freeze on his, everything in her mind stopping with it. If she could just focus on, on one thing then.

His words slowly sunk into her brain. Her hands slowed down, then she took one long choking breath, the air getting caught in her throat a couple of times, but finally managing to complete a breath. After that her breathing began to slow again, return back to normal, though her heart was still pounding in her ears, and her body felt weak.

Eyes drifting closed, she rested her forehead on his chest; she couldn't be bothered to keep it up anymore.

"You shouldn't have come back," she muttered softly, guilt seeping into her at how dependant she was suddenly of him. The man just chosen someone else over, and she... "You should hate me."

Blinking at what his heart and wolf seemed to be trying to scream at him, he tried to focus on the supposedly simple action of letting Kallie go. Instead, his arms tightened around her, and he sighed.

"I can't hate you." He said softly. "Even if it made everything better, even if it made me happier, even if it was the only thing to stop all this pa-" His voice caught, and he swallowed. "I can't."

"Besides." He said, with a half grin, almost as sincere as his real one. "Couldn't just leave you here to drown in oxygen."

Kallie let out a slight breathy laugh, there was a deep bitter tone to it though, "I always knew emotions would create a mess. They always had. If my parents taught me anything..."

She clenched her jaw, and shook her head. The first movement she'd made since regaining her breath. She had left her parents in the past where they belonged.

"I would have managed it... eventually." Or passed out she added silently. Which always seemed to handle it. Her brain at least stopped panicking and allowed her lungs to do their job normally again. "Well, I suppose you should... I mean, I can't see how I'm - its not fair for me to-"

It was funny how even when she was telling him to leave... she hadn't made a move to go herself either. She had been the practical on once - she had made herself leave then...

And as she stood where she wasn't entirely sure how she had managed to do it.

"Oh, Volchonka..." he said softly, his hold on her tightening slightly. "Emotions make life... better, I think. Not easier, not simpler, but better all the same." He brushed her hair back with trembling fingers, wary of the time when he would have to let her go. He wouldn't be able to hold her anymore, would he? Couldn't she just... stay? For a little while? He didn't want to.. to...

"I don't care." He said firmly. "I will be here when you need me, and- hell, when you don't need me. I work here, after all." He joked feebly, ignoring the way it sounded flat, even to him. The man nodded. It wasn't like it was the first- but- that made it even worse didn't it?

"I'll be- we'll be fine. You'll see." He promised. He thought about letting her go then, he really did, but the thought hurt... it hurt too much for him to put into action. He didn't want to. He didnt- "We'll live the rest of our lives... but not- not together." He could hear footsteps, still a long ways off - certainly too far for Kallie to hear just yet - and the hair on the back of his neck prickled in warning. He had to leave. And soon.

She wouldn't be here when he returned.

His hold on her tightened almost possessively, before Deedee's voice cut in, sounding anxious. "Veni- the- the hour-

"Of course." He murmured. "Right." Slowly, he loosened his hold on her, his eyes flashing red for the briefest of moments as his wolf howled in loss. He nodded to his secretary, then swooped forward, pressing another kiss on his- Vol- Nik- Kallie's forehead before he stepped away. "Its the full." He said softly. "I have to-" he looked lost again, like that boy she'd known all those years ago, his brown eyes full of absolute sadness, then he turned away from her.

"Goodbye." He said softly, almost inaudibly. He took a step forward, disappearing into the crowd of ministry workers on their way out of the building.

Goodbye, My Kallie - My Volchonka - My Nikki - My Lover