I'll Get Back Up|| Pack Safehouse

Kallie frowned at her reflection, folding one curl around her finger over and over - a habit she had often used in childhood, though had trained out of herself. Or so she had thought.

She tilted her head to the side, watching the light flash of the sharp plain caused by her protruding cheek bone. The hand that wasn't playing with her hair traced it gently, before they went back to picking at the clothes.

Hanging off her, twice the size they should be - she had to charm the draw string on the shorts to even pull them tight enough around her slim waist - they seemed to emphasize every single pound that she had lost. For a woman that had always looked slight, and delicate before... now she felt like if she turned sideways she'd disappear.

Even if he hadn't have told her, she'd have known they were Brock's clothes. The shirt smelled like him. She would have perfered her own clothes but... well it was just easier to do with what was here.

Kallie felt lost looking at her reflection, she knew she should pull away, but she was trapped. The haunted brown eyes stared back at her, dragging her down into the abyss of things she was hiding from herself.

The only thing that distracted her for a breif moment was the sound of movement from the bed. She knew he wasn't asleep.

"If you so much as look at him, without just cause - and by that I don't mean you felt like he was going to do something, he actually has to be doing something - so help me god I'll..." her voice, starting off strong, so close to her old tone, began to die again.

She caught sight of her eyes.

She swallowed. Could she really do this? Maybe she could just go back to bed, hide for a little longer, pretend that this tiny little room was the only world she'd known and anything else the she knew was just a dream - it never happened.

No, she couldn't do that. It happened, if she didn't move on with her life, then they would have won.

And she wasn't going to let them win.

Forcfully dragging her hand away from her hair, she smoothed out the shirt, and took a deep breath.

She was the Minister of Magic.

She was Kallie Nikkala.

She could have one conversation with her apprentice.

She was back. She was actually back. Giving his head another shake as he followed the man through the house (where was he, anyway? The looks he was getting from some of the people here were beginning to scare him), he reminded himself for the millionth time that this was real.

Because after that nightmare - he glanced down at Nightmare beside him, a little amused smile on his face before it disappeared - he'd almost felt like he wouldn't see her again. Hell, he still felt that way about Lisette from time to time, and she'd been the first person he'd seen when he'd woken up.

But he was.

He was actually going to see the Minister - the real Minister for Magic, not the Polyjuiced version of her he'd seen around. Julian would actually get to see his mentor again.

An incredulous smile upon his lips, he blinked up at the man he was following. He hadn't heard a single word the man - Zino, he'd called himself Zino - had said. "What?" Julian tilted his head, his smile sheepish.

"Don't mind them," Zino gestured to a man who drew up to them, looking at the boy suspiciously, "You smell...dangerous."

"Dangerous," Julian echoed, rubbing at the back of his neck, the tattoo that Marked him as Karma's suddenly feeling as if on fire. Shooting a glance at the cat, he shrugged, "You don't say."

Zino wasn't a difficult person to talk to. Had the Prideux's mind been truly into the conversation, he might have found the man charming and funny. But as he found himself unable to focus on anything other than his mentor, his answers were short, hardly meaningful.

Giving the man a small smile as he stepped into the room, Julian's eyes quickly fell on the blonde woman, his smile quickly morphing into a grin. Hardly noticing the little sneeze from the man in the corner, he stepped towards Kallie, finding himself unable to tear his gaze from her.

"You're here," he breathed, "You're actually..." Julian trailed off, reaching the older woman and wrapping his arms around her, "I missed you." He muttered, eyes squeezing shut to stop the sudden prickling of tears.

She caught her breath, whirling away from the mirror as the door openned. Her hands folded into tight fists before she recognized the faces. Both faces.

Her brown eyes lingered on Julian for a moment, something pulling inside her that she wasn't sure she could deal with yet, so she yanked her gaze back up to the familiar one of Zino. Who's kind smile, so like the ones she had seen in her youth sent her at slight ease. Her hands slowly released, flattening agianst her side, as she cocked her head towards the bed, a pleading look crossing her face.

It was true that Zino had been Brock's friend, not hers, but you didn't get as close as she had been with Brock, or Zino had been for that matter, without getting to know each other. They spoke easily across the space without saying a thing at all.

He's just worried the man's light smirk spoke.

An almost sigh formed on her lips, I'll be fine.

Another smirk, and almost snort in Brock's direction.

Just humor him.

Kallie had enough time to narrow her eyes - of all things a laugh trying to tug at her lips - before he had slipped back out the door, closing it behind him. Kalle knew he wouldn't be leaving from that spot.

She barely had enough time to turn to the other boy, before he had his arms around her. The action startled her at first, she frozen in place. Her mind dwelling on how far his arms had to go to wrap all the way on her waist - how skinny she-

A noise from the bed broke her out of that thought. Her nostiles flaired and she almost turned around.

"Don't mind him," she murmured, slowly bringing her arms around the boy. "He always makes noises in his sleep. Cute really - he's almost like a puppy."

She shook her head, a soft smirk on her lips as her grip finally tightened and she leaned her head on his shoulder. When had he gotten taller than her? He must have always been... but... why was it suddenly more noticable now.

"I missed you too."

She was thinner than she had been before, he noted as his arms wound their way around her. But then again, it wasn't as if it wasn't the same with him. Julian bit at his bottom lip, glancing down at his arms. Too thin. No matter how many nutrition potions he downed and how much food he ate that was a struggle not to throw up, he failed to noticed a gain.

Gaze drawn upwards and towards the bed at Kallie's words, the Prideux tilted his head slightly, blue eyes scanning the body there.

He hadn't even noticed there was someone there, let alone heard anything. "I'm pretty good at minding my own business. It's a skill, really." He shrugged slightly, a small smile tugging at his lips.

Watching his mentor for a moment, he ran his tongue over his teeth, struggling to find the right words. He - He was terrible. He'd actually forgotten that she'd been kidnapped. And nothing could excuse that. He should've easily been able to worry about two people at the same time. One person shouldn't have eclipsed the other.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. It made him sick to stomach to think it and - "I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice tainted with regret tinged with self-disgust. "I am so sorry."

She couldn't help it. She pulled away.

"What are you sorry for?" A frown crossed her face, as she shook her slim head, a hand reaching up to brush back his hair. The surprisingly materinal response would have shocked her in a normal situation. At present, her body still seemed to be responding on instinct. Her brain not connected enough to over ride it, "Listen to me, Lapsi*, you have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything. This isn't your fault, or anyone else, except for the people who took me."

She looked him over for a long moment, trying to take in all the changes, little or big. He looked slighter than he had before. But perhaps that was just her imagination.

She pulled him back into a hug, "Its good to be back."

Julian blinked at her as she pulled away, his arms wrapping around his midsection, leaning into her touch. It was almost comical, how in the year and a half he'd known her, she'd been more like a mother to him than his own mother had in over sixteen years.

"I forgot," he murmured, his eyes suddenly wet and glued to his feet. "I - I forgot you were kidnapped. My sister disappeared, and I was so worried about her that - that I somehow forgot about you. I'm a terrible apprentice, A - A terrible person."

He let out a choked little sob, his fingers trembling, and he sudden felt the need to take them and plunge them down his throat. Because maybe then, even for a moment, he'd feel at least the littlest bit better.

Almost as if she knew what he was thinking, Nightmare glanced sharply at him, mewling. The Prideux flicked his gaze towards the cat for a moment, his expression unreadable before looking back up at his mentor.

"It's good to have you back," he murmured, his arms wrapping around her again.

She listened to his words, but none of them made any sense to her. What would she care if he forgot? If he forgot then he wouldn't have worried, if he wouldn't have worried than she'd know that she didn't cause him pain.

Her arms gave him a soft shake, "Don't be foolish; I do not wish for you to have spent all your time worrying about me. You had a life to live, that I want you to have gone and lived. If I hadn't have-" she paused for a moment her voice quivering before she pushed that thought back. She could keep it together to get her point across. "If I hadn't have come back, I wouldn't have wanted you to waste the rest of your life on thoughts of me. The same goes for the time I just simply was not here. Do you understand me?"

She looked him over for a moment, and then gave a soft sigh. Wrapping her arms around him agian, she felt her lips turning upwards just a bit. It felt good to be needed, to comfort to-

Her brain briefly began to wander to another set of arms, another need she had been too scared she wouldn't be able to fill. On top of everything else, this was not the time for those thoughts.

Then again, perhaps because of everything else, it was why she had those thoughts more frequently.

Slowly she pulled away, and fold her slight frame into a small loveseat across the room. She patted the spot beside her.

"Come now. I want to hear everything I miss. Is you're sister alright then? You know, anything I can do to help for anything, I am always here." Her eyes drifted towards the cat, a slight frown pulling at her lips before that too was a thought she had to shake off. "I see you got a pet."

He swallowed hard, his head shaking almost without his consent. Her words, they were nice, they were comforting, but they almost felt like more of a formality. As if she was only saying them to make him feel better, but -

"I understand," he murmured, slowly nodding his head. He wanted to believe her - he needed to believe her, but he still felt disgusting that he had managed to forget about someone, especially someone as important to him as his mentor.

He hummed softly as they hugged again. Even though it'd been days since he'd felt the overwhelming need to push any and every person who laid as much as finger on him, it still felt odd to not have that feeling there.

Following her towards the loveseat, he flopped down beside her, tilting his head in thought. What had happened? God, he didn't even know where to begin, especially when he took out the parts that she really didn't need to know. "Dilly's fine," he nodded with a grin, "Um...oh, a friend of mine, Harmonie, her parents died over the summer, and she moved in with her aunt in Canada for a while, and now she's back." His grin widened, "And I got a lot of presents for Christmas."

She titled her head softly, "I really do mean what I said Julian. Knowning the people you care about are in pain, only causes you more so. I'd rather you blissfully forgot about me, than were hurting."

Nodding her head the woman listened witha fond smile growing on her lips. Each fact that was said, she could almost pretend this was a normal conversation between two people catching up.

Not Kallie catching up, because she had missed four months of her life in a cell.

"It is always nice to reunite with old friends," a quick glance - not more than a move of the eyes - to the bed and then back again, "again. Friendship is more important than any relationship I know. Without it... I feel we all wither a bit on the inside."

She couldn't help but laugh. A the joys of youth at christmas, "And just what sort of presents did you recieve?"

He nodded, fiddling absentmindedly with his necklace. How much pain had he caused all the people around him, he wondered, by his inability to keep food down? Or for all the terrible feelings that had been clouding his mind ever since his father had tried to kill him?

Biting down on his lip, he shook the thoughts away.

"Exactly," he grinned, "friends are the most important people you can have, at least, other than family." His thoughts flicked their way towards his parents, before he shoved their images away. They weren't his family.

"I got a new cello and bow," he nodded, "And -" he cut off, frowning down at the kitten who leaped into his lap. Shaking his head amusedly at the Familiar, he blinked up at Kallie, his forehead creasing. Hadn't she asked...?

"Well, Nightmare's not my pet. More of a loan, really." He gave a small shrug, petting the cat. It'd be weird not having her. He'd gotten rather used to having her following her around.

"Sometimes friends are more important than family," her voice was soft, reminicent, "You can't choose who your family is, sometimes they are... you can always choose who your friends are. You can make sure that they are better."

Taking a deep breath, she looked down at her hands, finding them clenched again. A frown crossed her face - she only did that when she was anxious. But she didn't feel like she was unsettled. All she was doing was talking.

"How kind of someone to loan you there-" The room spun on her, her words getting lost as her stomach gave a lurch. Holding up a hand to the boy, already attemtping to preemptively stop any concerned comments, she pushed herself off the couch, crossing the small distance to the table beside the bed. Picking up the glass that sat there, she took a long sip, before setting it back down.

Kallie's eyes flicked over to the bed beside her, as the sugar slowly started to ooze its way through her system. As she met the man's gaze she shook her head. His involvement wasn't going to be helping anything at the moment.

"Sorry," she murmured, "Takes a while to... balance back out it seems."

Her hands were clenched again as she turned around. "What were we saying again?"

He looked up at her then, tilting his head slightly. The way she'd said that, it was almost as if - he gave his head a small shake. What did it matter? He'd proved to himself time and time again that just because someone had been through what he had, it didn't mean that he could actually tell them.

"They are," Julian nodded, a grin spreading across his face as he thought of his friends. "They really are."

A frown crossing his face, it quickly morphed into an expression of concern as he watched his mentor. Opening his mouth to question her on what was wrong, he closed it as she held up her hand. His eyes never strayed from Kallie even she got up.

"You don't have to apologize," he gave his head a small shake, "It's not your fault,"

Holding up Nightmare, he said, "About how nice her owner is."

Although she could feel her energy levels slowly trying to restore themselves, her knees still felt shaky, she wasn't entirely sure she wished to cross the room once more, and she certainly did not wish to stand. Sighing, she picked up the glass again - there were still some sugary liquid in it - and rested herself primly on the edge of the bed.

Where upon Julian picking up the older cat, Tiikeri bounded across the very small distance where she had been curled up by Brock's head, and instead began to swipe her little paws at the hem of Kallie's shirt.

"But, I do," she said softly, reaching out a hand that wasn't holding the cup, to stroke her beloved pet, "I really should have been more careful. I knew my body's still..." she shook her head and let out a sigh.

"Its very hard to... learn to balance the fact that you aren't alright, not completely at least, with a desire to pretend nothing happened at all. If I'd just act like the invalid that I am, perhaps I would not do things like that so often."

The kitten in his hands wriggling her way out of his grip, Julian watched, amused as she made her way towards Kallie and the little cat, promptly pouncing on her fellow feline.

"Cats," he murmured softly, shaking his head.

His gaze back on his mentor, a flash of understanding appeared in his eyes. She - well, what he was going through and she was were different. She didn't seem to have a choice. He did. He'd done it all to himself. But the endgame would be the same, wouldn't it?

Death.

"I know what that's like," he whispered through the fingers he hadn't realized he'd raised to his mouth. Frowning down at them, he set them down in his lap.

Flinching slightly at the sudden movement of the other cat, Kallie took a deep calming breath, and smiled at the two creatures.

"Its in their natures I suppose."

Something in his tone, the way that he held his hands sparked something in her, a worry. She had been gone for a long time, and she had noticed that he had been...

"Julian... is there something you'd wish to tell me?"

Biting at his lip as he noticed her flinch, he ran a hand absentmindedly through his hair. Not so long ago, that'd been him flinching from every little thing. If it hadn't been under such dire and depressing circumstances, Julian would almost feel compelled to say something about it.

He inclined his head slightly in agreement, a small smile forming across his face. "Nightmare just sort of jumps on everyone. She likes climbing onto people's heads." Shaking his head amusedly, his grin only widened at the look he received from the kitten.

And then just like that, as if a light had went off, it was gone. Slowly raising his head up to meet his mentor's brown eyes, his breath hitched, the lie already forming in his throat.

But it was true, wasn't it? He didn't want to tell her. But he had to. She was his mentor after all. Wasn't the whole point of this apprenticeship to make him a better person? And telling her, as much as he wished wholeheartedly that he didn't have to, would.

Flicking his gaze away from her, he stared blankly down at his lap, remembering how to breath again. Every option, every word that came to mind just made it seem so much worse than it was. As if he was actually about to waste away and die right here.

Letting out a slow breath, he ran his hands through his hair, pushing his bangs back before letting them fall back onto his forehead. His eyes creeping upwards, he gulped at the glare he from Nightmare, his gaze back on his suddenly trembling hands.

Yep, lying was out.

His eyes then worked their way towards the door. No, he'd have a very angry panther on his hands if he tried to run for it. And besides, it wasn't as if he could apparate yet. He'd need an adult to actually get back to Paris. And he highly doubted that after the way the people here looked at him, that they'd be so inclined to actually take him where he wanted. With his luck, he'd end up in a wasteland. Or worse, Canada.

He had to tell her the truth. Whether he wanted to or not.

Swallowing hard, his gaze finally worked its way back up to her. His expression blank for a moment, he took a deep breath and emotion seemed to seep its way back onto his face, a combination of worry, regret, and even an inkling of fear.

"Just - it's not as bad as it sounds." Julian nodded, finally finding his voice. Groaning internally at his own words, he gave his head a small shake. It was as bad as it sounded, and he hadn't even explained what it was. God, she was probably thinking he was dying from his inability to string his words together.

"I - Well, it's not that big of a deal, really." He let out a little nervous laugh. "It's not as if I'm dying or anything." The Prideux cringed at his words. It's not as if I'm dying? Well, that's just great. "I mean, well, I'm not - but...well, I will if I don't stop, but I'm trying to stop. I haven't...not in...about a month? But only because the time last week didn't count." It didn't, right? Lodie giving him food poisoning shouldn't count. It hadn't been his fault.

"But - I mean...I'll be alright. I - I always am." Julian tried to smile, but his lips didn't seem to want to, pulling themselves into a thin line instead. His shoulders falling as he let out a raggedy sigh, he stared down at his feet.

He'd been saying those three words for years. Yet he'd never actually believed them. Not once.

The way that he was stuttering about was making her more nervous rather than calmed. Her gaze, already suspicious narrowed a bit more and her posture straightened.

"Julian!" her voice was sharp but not unkind. "Take a deep breath for me Lapsi, and just tell me what's going on, okay?"

She looked over at the boy, gentle but commanding, "I'm not going to get made at you."

Blinking up at the sound of his name, he clasped his hands together, mostly to negate the feeling of their shaking. He couldn't help but find it morbidly ironic how now, as he was trying to tell someone about this, it was all he could do to stop himself from taking his fingers and jamming them down his throat.

He just needed to avoid all stressers in his life. Then his life would be so much easier.

Nodding, he did as she said, inhaling deeply. "Okay," he wrung his hands, "I - okay."

They were just words, dammit. Why were they so hard to say?

"You won't?" he murmured softly, his eyes shining. And despite whatever turmoil he was feeling, an actual smile worked its way onto his face. Her words made him feel at least a little bit better.

"I have a - a - a -" Almost without his consent, his words switched to French, hardly a whisper, his nails digging into the back of his hands. "Troubles de l'alimentation."

A blink, and then another. It took her tired brain a few moments longer to work out the French, softly spoken, then it probably should have in any other situation. However once she did work her way through the foreign words she was at as much a loss as to what to say as she had been before she understood them.

Perhaps she would have been better off without knowing at all. Her hand shook slightly, so she clenched her hands again. Closing her eyes she attempted to get a hold of her breathing, trying to feel some level of control. She didn't think she was ready for this.

"Y-you, y-you," her heart beat was going erratic, she wasn't sure how long she could keep back the breathing. Under normal circumstances, she was sure after a moments spasm she would have been able to get control of her self, but this wasn't normal circumstances. She had already been trying to hold it together when it was just normal conversation.

With this, it was almost impossible.

"W-why," her breath hitched, getting stuck in her throat, she mad a strangled sound as she forced it out again. "Wh-why woul-would -oh god!"

She was afraid she had already lost it.

The silence? It made him feel even worse. His skin crawled, and his hands balled into fists. She had to say something sooner or later, right? This was a thousand times worse than Lisette's tears, than Ondrea's anger, than Ninette's steely indifference all combined. Because at least with them, he could at least tell what they felt.

But that wasn't an option with silence. And he couldn't bring himself to look up at her.

But when she did speak, he jerked his head up at her, his blue eyes wide with worry. She sounded like she was about to pass out on him. And it'd all be his fault. Swallowing down the burst of self-disgust, he was across the room in seconds, sitting down beside her, his hands firm on her arms.

"K - Kallie?" he choked out, "Breathe. Just - Just breathe. I - I'm fine. It's really not as big of a problem as it seems. Just, please calm down and breathe."

She held up her head to Julian even as she felt a pair of arms wrap around her. Anything that was said within the room washed pass her ears without her noticing. Though she could still probably figure what Brock was saying. If he wasted any amount of time on anyone that wasn't her, to kick Julian out.

Kallie didn't want that. Not yet, she needed to do one thing, besides calm down. She needed to say-to say.

Closing her eyes she focused on the arms around her and the voices. If she could just hear - slowly her breaths evened out to something more normal.

"I'm fine," she murmured, still a little breathless as she pried herself out of Brock's arms and went over to Juli, wrapping her thin arms around him. "Don't scare me like that, okay? We'll take later, you need to go now, but... thank you for coming. Please, say safe, yes?"

She pulled away and nodded her head. "Please?"

Julian's gaze finally tore from his mentor, flitting over to the man, a tiny frown beginning on his face. Why in the world was he being kicked out? It wasn't his fault. She'd asked. He'd told the truth. When did the world decide to punish for being honest.

Taking a deep breath, he pushed strands of hair out of his eyes. Lying was so much easier.

Hugging the blonde back, he nodded sheepishly. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "For - For all of this." A tiny smile tugged on his lips. "I always do, don't I? I'm still here, so that's something going for me."

The Prideux let her go, nodding. "Always."

"Don't be," she reassured softly, her voice getting slightly stronger the longer her mind was away from the dark corners that allowed her to slip, allowed her to panic, "I do not handle things well sometimes. Its not your fault, never your fault." She took a deep breath, and held the young boy tighter for a moment before letting go, and stepping back.

"Good," she nodded her head. "I'll make sure you do."

Giving a wavering smile, she sunk herself back onto the bed, any energy that she had been able to hold, seeping out of her. How had she managed before? It was as if her brain couldn't remember a life before the constant darkness, a world where she wasn't waiting for the taunt that would come with the next meal. A world where she was as whole as she had ever managed to pretend to be.

She had been let back out into society once more, granted a second chance at life that for a brief time she had thought she might not get, and yet that was hardly turning out to be a kindness. She didn't know how to cope in a real world any more.

Staring blankly at the floor, once the young man was gone, she just felt tired and lost. She didn't even have the energy to be scared, or angry, or sad any more. Kallie was just... there... and she wasn't sure how long that feeling was going to last.