two is better than one

The halls were eerily silent, even for the night. Frodo had just finished his rounds, but he didn't want to go back to the common room, nor to bed. He wanted to stay out.

The Hitrost sat down on one of the steps, not in the least bit bothered if anyone saw him. He was becoming slightly careless these and he knew deep down, it was unlike his usual behaviour. He wanted to blame Kait for turning into this, for running away again.

But how could he blame someone he was love with?

For the second time that week, he felt the tears well up but he refused to shed any. He would find a way to deal with this. He didn't need her, or anyone. No one was even there. Everyone was slowly going away from him.

Would it ever be alright?

She flopped down beside him, all the time never making a sound. She hardly ever made a sound these days, wandering the halls like a ghost, only pulling out some sembellence of her usual attitude when someone provoked her to.

Ashleen waited for the moment someone taunted her into her old self, lived for it really.

"She still gone?"

Her voice was drab, matter of fact, the mingled with some sympathy.

"That sucks," she didn't even wait for him to answer, she knew it anyway. Reaching into her pocket she pulled out a small bag of every flavoured beans, "want one? The awful flavours are even sometimes so awful you forget the world sucks even more for a few brief moments."

Frodo glanced at his fellow Prefect as the girl sat down next him, and offered her a small smile, though it was a merely a sign of acknowledgment. He didn't worry about being friendly anymore, such a thing was almost non existant.

He gave his a head a simple nod at her question and reached over to a take a few of the beans from her packet. After a few minutes of silence, "I'm such a fool Ashleen," he smiled humourlessly this time, something bitter. "I'm the nice guy who gets to be the loser at the end of this game."

It was a game of sorts to Kait, Lena and everyone else, wasn'it? His heart had been out in the open and everyone had their fun with it.

"I told you before, girls don't care about 'special' and all," he leaned his head on the wall next to the staircase.

"If you are, then so am I."

The girl stuck her hand in the bag, grabbing a handful of beans and stuffing them into her mouth. She had stopped grimacing at the unfortunate collection of tastes she kept creating.

"I thought I'd be able to pretend I didn't love him any more, that I'd be able to watch him do the same, and not go insane." She gave a snort and shook her head. "You saw me in whatever class that was. I don't think I succeeded."

Shaking her head she held the bag up in the air as if were a class, making a 'toast', "To being a fool."

"Assuming that our circumstances are different, even if with the same result, I'd actually like to point out that he's the fool if he doesn't love you anymore," Frodo said, feeling unfocussed as he reached for some more of beans. "Merlin these taste awful, and yet I can't stop eating them," he muttered under his breath.

He raised an eyebrow at the girl's actions amusedly, "An unusual and funny thing to toast for, but I guess I'm glad I'm not the only one. I wish I could join that, but as you can see, I'm kind of empty-handed."

"Everything is just going away Ashleen, you know? It's like nothing or no one is constant in my life anymore," his voice nearing some of his old emotions. But at this point, it sounded strange to his ears.

"The wonder of the beans," she chuckled darkly dumping some more into her mouth, "You can't stop eating them, even when they threaten to make you sick."

She listened to his words with increasing depression; she knew the feeling entirely. Everything just seemed to disappear. Staying put wasn't something the world seemed capable of.

"For what its worth, you can always have my grumpy ass. I know, I'm such a charming addition to anyone's day."

"Much like you pointed out, these do provide the distraction that I am immensely craving right now," Frodo added. "The taste makes it hard to concentrate on a sensible thought, which is a very good thing now."

A hint of a genuine smile flitted across his lips, "Charming addition, indeed. At least, much better than the recent kind of company I've been involved in. It's bad enough that your loved one ran away, but even worse when one of your close friends hate you."

"If you do want to rant and whatnot, I'm here to listen, he looked at her, "because clearly, I'm not going anywhere as of now."

She reached into her pocket and pulled out two more packs, a wry little smile on her face, "Why do you think I've come well stocked?" She tossed him the last of the opened back and pulled off the top of a new one. "Distractions galore. This ones more health than some of the others I've contemplated."

"Mad at you," she looked at him snorting despite herself, "Sorry... but, I really can't... either you're able to be a bigger ass than I thought, or they're crazy."

Leaning her head back, she tossed a handful of the new pack into her mouth, "I can't say there's all that much to rant about. People thought that Tre and I needed to see other people, and they weren't really the kind of people we could say no to."

"Others you've contemplated? I suppose you are talking about the really terrible kind of distractions?" Questioned Frodo, slight worry evident in his tone as he took a couple more of the beans. "I really hope you do not go through with any of that."

He sighed, least bothered by the girl's amusement, "Truthfully, I do not know what I did for them to hate me or run away. Do you think it is because I try too hard to be there for people? Should I perhaps, stop being nice and just not care?"

"But why did they want that? Can they not accept your relationship with Tre?" He asked confusedly, yet curiously. His previous thought was correct; every single student in Durmstrang had a messed up life, that did not make sense at all.

She tossed a single bean in her hand, staring at it for a long time, letting her gaze focus on the bright pink colour, then the muted peach of her skin and then back again. What exactly had she meant by other distractions? She supposed his guess was as close as any. She had had a few darker moments, but had she really considered those ways out.

Or did she do it just for attention. Sometimes she worried she just did it for attention.

The rest of the time she just worried which reason was worse.

"They haven't gone past contemplation this time. Fingers crossed it stays that way." Shrugging her shoulders she picked up the bean with her thumb and forefinger, squinting at it for a long moment before popping it into her mouth.

"Don't, don't stop caring. Everyone stops caring, and its sad - I want to be able to say that I at least know one person who is genuinely good enough to care," she pumped his shoulder with hers, "And I want that person to be you."

She snorted. "No. No they can't." No one ever really understood it, herself included. "Myself and Tre live in a very controlling... family, sure, lets call it a family. They have certain plans for us, well more him, I'm just there, that do not include... well an 'us'. So they told us, to end 'us'."

Though a part of Frodo admired his fellow Prefect's casual attitude, the other part of him couldn't help but feel concerned. Sure, he did not want her to simply worry about the littlest things, but he hoped she was telling the truth and that it never indeed would go past contemplation.

It is after all the thought that leads to the action.

A small smile spread across his face, "I cannot stop caring for people Ashleen, no matter how much I want to. Even if they hurt me, I can never hate them. Pathetic, is it not?" He knew what it was like to be hated, and he just could not bear the thought of himself radiating those feelings towards someone else.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he murmured. He wanted to suggest either talking to the parents or if worse comes to worse, to try arguing. But she made it clear that no one was willing to listen. He did not know what to say, though he usually did. Seeing as he did not the Hitrost very well, he did not want to end up saying the wrong thing.

"No, I don't think that makes you pathetic. I think giving up on carrying makes us pathetic - I'm as pathetic as everyone else. You get to a point in your life where you watch so many things that you just wonder... why bother," she shook her head, the look in her deep blue eyes turning steely. "And too many of us just take the easy road out of that, and say we shouldn't... I think it would be better if we all found a reason why we should."

She gave a bitter sort of laugh, "I'm sorry to have to tell it. I got another boyfriend too you know. Did exactly what they wanted, barely been broken up a month and I roped him into this mess. He was... well he could be an ass to everyone else, but he was nice to me, sweet, and I couldn't feel a damn thing for him. Hugs were like a friend, kissing was just a protocol, anything more, I couldn't even..." she paused, not sure where she was going with this, if any where. Maybe she was just talking. "I think that made it worse. If I had just been on my own... I would have been me without him, a broken shell of myself, but still me. Yet, when I saw myself hanging off another's arms, doing things that I didn't want to do with anyone but... I didn't even know who I was any more. Still don't, not really."

"Take your own advice then, do not give up," Frodo stated with a shrug. "I know what you mean, it feels as though it is of no use to carry on if the same, meaningless things are going to happen. But it's nice to have hope, because one day, it will all change." Even as he said the words, he knew them to be true. If Kait ever returned though, things would definitely change for the worst.

He shook his head sadly, "Why would you want to do such a thing Ashleen? Why be with someone you have no interest in? You just need to realize that 'hanging off another's arms', won't really make a difference; you'll just feel worse about yourself. I think you also need to learn to spend time alone, so you'll get a clue as to who you are."

Sure, he felt a part of him missing when Kait was not around, but after what she did, he was determined to not rely on her like before.

"Hmm hope... I think I've forgotten what hope is," she gave a slight frown, leaning forward onto her knees, "I miss hope."

Tilting her head, she frowns, humming a bit, Frodo didn't get it - she wasn't sure if she entirely got it either, but it wasn't about Tucker, or her even. It was... somehow about Tre.

"It wasn't like that exactly. I mean... there's more to it than that. I couldn't just... even moping wasn't moving on, and if I didn't move on than... America's so far away. I don't think I could stand being that far away again."

"Hope is the only thing that is keeping me from doing the worst to myself these days," the prefect chuckled weakly. "Though at this point of time, I wonder if I am depending on hope a little too much. After all, not all hopeful thoughts have happy endings. But I cannot give up."

He frowned slightly at the girl's explanation. "America? What do you mean? Basically it sounds like you will never be able to move on. And for this sort of love between you two, I do not recommend you to drift away. From the way you speak, it seems wrong."

"Maybe I should try a little hope," Ashleen's crooked smile was bleak; even talking about hope, she had little hope that it would work, "I hope that it's worth hoping for things."

Shaking her head she let out a dull laugh, leaning back on the stair behind her, hair fanning around her head. She hardly cared about the dirt she might be getting in it.

"America was where I was born, raised. Met Tre there, what feels like a long time ago now. But then he had to..." Ashleen frowned for a moment, trying figure out the best way to phrase just why Tre had to leave, without giving away their 'secret' "Move here. I had to stay there. Longest year of my life. Now, the reasons that I was allowed to come could be... well lets just say, I don't do what they want, America is where I'm heading."

"It is wrong; so very wrong - but its not... I'm not moving on, I'm never going to move on. But the point was to make them think I was..."

"It is worth it, even if it seems like it takes a little time," Frodo told quietly. "Though I feel like after a while, I might not follow my own advice, I'm not that strong."

He felt a slight sadness for the girl as he listened to her story. It made him think of his step father who disowned him simply because the Hitrost had the nerve to stand up to him. But he did not regret it. At all.

"So in order to continue staying here, you need to be apart from him? Can you not keep your relationship as a secret?" It was the last thing he would actually tell to someone, but in this case, the suggestion did not seem that absurd.

Ashleen frowned slightly, looking at him in appraisal, "I don't know... I think you've gotten this fair, it would be a shame to lose it all now. See the trouble with me was I gave it up all too soon. There was nothing invested in there. And I just can't see a reason to bring it back."

"Have you ever tried to have a secret relationship?" she raised an eyebrow. Because that of course was what they had done, were doing. And yet it seemed to be making things worse not better. It was never safe to see each other and the doubt of what you knew verse what you actually saw practically killed you. "It's not always the... it eats at you too."