how you remind me

Some French stable.
In the countryside.

Marianne shuffled her feet, her eyes scanning each stall and each horse inside of it. At the idea, the idea of her and Gwen going horseback riding had been a great idea. She and Bonnie had been doing it for years, and they'd stayed friends for years, so in theory horseback riding should work here.

But there had been so many other things that had made her and Bonnie's friendship work. Letting out a little groan, she rubbed at her forehead. Why was she so worried about her and Gwen's friendship? It was almost as if she was seven again and had just moved to a new school.

Maybe it was because Gwen was gay. Before her, Marianne hadn't known anyone who was gay, girl or guy, other than herself. Maybe these nerve-racking feelings of guilt were normal?

Letting out a slow breath, brushing her bangs from her face, she began to pace. Only time would tell.

Gwen loved horseback riding and was always in the mood for it. Being from a Muggle family, her parents had made sure that she hadn't missed out all the great non-magic related activities.

However, she couldn't help but be surprised as she recieved the invite from Marianne for them both to do the same. Amidst the surprise was also a twinge of anticipation, that she was going to be spending time with someone she liked as more than a friend. Still, she knew that the Professor wouldn't reciprocate and so mentally prepared herself to avoid disappointment.

After what seemed like hours, she finally reached the stables and despite the uneasiness in her stomach, Gwen couldn't help but allow a smile to cross her lips at the sight of all the horses. She spotted the French woman a few feet away and made her way over, hoping everything would turn out fine.

"Hello Marianne," the redhead greeted her, smile still in place. "I hope you weren't waiting for so long."

Looking up at the sound of footsteps, the professor paused her incessent pacing, a relieved smile lighting up her face at the sight of the redhead. She'd expected her to come, she'd been sure she would, but still, it was good to see her.

"Hey," she waved, unable to supress her grin as she moved towards her friend. "No, no, I wasn't. Though," she added, grinning around them, twirling absentmindedly. "This isn't a bad place to wait. It really is beautiful out here."

She really was in her element out here. Having practically grown up outside, the stables and the countryside were a good sort of familiar.

Gesturing towards the horses, Marianne grinned at Gwen. "Pick a horse, any horse," the ex-Prideux chirped.

Upon seeing the brunette's smile, Gwen couldn't help but allow her own smile to turn into a grin. A small voice nagged her mind by wondering how the Professor was happy to see her; it had been a while since she had got such a nice reaction from someone. But she chose to ignore the voice and not let it ruin the moment.

"It is beautiful," the redhead commented, taking a look around before resting her gaze on Marianne a little too long. Almost on instinct, she pulled the French woman into a hug, and blushed lightly as she pulled away. "I'm sorry, I couldn't help it."

Gwen examined each of the horses, not sure which one to pick. It had been quite a long time since she had done this, and she almost forgot what it was like. She finally noticed a black horse, seemingly a little lost from the others and it's eyes away from them.

Why did that horse seem familiar?

"I'll take that one," the ex-Auror pointed to the black one, giving her head a small shake, before the smile was back on her face.

"The good ol' outdoors," Marianne mused, continuing to twirl. Missing Gwen's stare, she finally righted herself just in time to find the woman's arms around her. Hugging her back, she staggered slightly when she pulled away. "Don't apologize," she waved it off, the world continuing to spin. "Hugs are good, after all. Who can complain about hugs?" The world slowly managing to right itself, she grinned brightly at her friend.

Noticing Gwen blush, she tilted her head curiously. Why was she blushing? Well, it was rather warm outside. It could have easily just been the heat. Deciding on that, she glanced around at the horses.

Grinning at a white stallion looking her way, Marianne only looked away to see which horse Gwen had chosen. "Aww, that one's so cute," she cooed, grinning. Bounding towards the stables, she turned to grin up at the redhead. "Let's get them saddled-up and ready." With that, she disappeared into the stallion's stall.

"Yes, hugs are very nice, I suppose," Gwen nodded her head in agreement, sheepish smile still in place. "Still, I just tend to have a awkwardness when it comes to intimacy." She mentally slapped herself at the wording, though she hardly knew how that sounded. Besides, Marianne definitely seemed like the kind of person who received and gave a lot of hugs.

How could the ex-Priduex ever like someone that was so different from her?

The brunette's gaze on her, made the ex-Auror blush more and she nearly sighed in relief when her attention was diverted to one of the horses. She could not help but grin at the woman's enthusiasm and shook her head amusedly as she made her way to the stables as well.

Gwen placed the saddle on the black horse and made sure it was well adjusted. Her fingers nuzzled the creature's nose, a soft smile on her face. It seemed to be ignoring her for a moment, but she didn't mind, she could already sense the shyness radiating. "Nothing to worry about," she murmured as she lead the horse out of the stable.

The redhead had a feeling this was going to be a lot of fun, and waited for Marianne to come out with her horse.

"They are," she grinned, bouncing slightly on her heels. "They're comforting. Sometimes, they're better than kisses." A tiny smile flitted across her face, for a moment the woman lost in happy memories. Pulling herself out of it with a shake of her head, she let out a small sigh.

She couldn't spend her whole life stuck in the past.

"Everyone's awkward about something," Marianne said softly, tilting her head up at the taller girl. "It just happens to be affection for you." There were millions things that just the thought would make her blush or want to crawl far, far away to avoid the subject.

Stepping into the stall, the twenty-two year old grinned at the horse, running her fingers through it's pale mane. "Hey you," she murmured, her voice soft. "We're going to be friends, alright?" The horse responded with a little whinny. Taking that as a good thing, the professor quickly saddled her up.

Leading her out by the reins, she made her way over to Gwen, grinning. "Ready?"

"Better than kisses, you say? Once I'm able to make the comparison, I shall let you know," the redhead smiled lightly, though it was mostly at the professor's obvious enthusiasm. She just seemed so...happy. It made Gwen feel bittersweet on the inside, almost wondering if she would ever feel that sort of a happiness.

She nodded her head in agreement, "Yes, I suppose you're right. Besides, I wasn't awkward about it before. Just that some things happened, and...." the ex-Auror trailed off with a shrug of her shoulders, not wanting to spoil the atmosphere.

Gwen simply continued to stroke the horse's skin, lost in her thoughts before she heard her friend's voice. "Yes, totally," she grinned and got up on the animal.

"So where are we going?" She asked, as they began their ride. The redhead wasn't that familiar with the place, but as long as Marianne was there with her, she didn't mind in the least.

"Well, I'll be here waiting." A tiny grin flitted across her face. She'd be here as long as she was needed. Even if she wasn't, she'd be hard pressed to really leave. She was never going to let down a friend again. "Wait," she paused, tilting her head slightly. "You've never been kissed?"

Curiousity flashed across her face, mingled with a touch of understanding and compassion. She moved towards Gwen, taking one of her hands and squeezing. "We've all had terrible things happen to us. But in the end, we end up stronger." The opposing idea came to mind, accompanied by a face that still hurt to see. But she shoved it away. Thinking about that wasn't helpful.

Continuing to brush her fingers through the horse's mane, she scanned around them. There was a slopping path not far from here that cut through the forest, eventually making its way all the towards the river.

"Down the path?" She raised an ar, pointing towards the dirt road, inclining her head at her friend.

"I have kissed boys, but never a girl," the redhead admitted with a shrug of her shoulders, looking sheepish. She had had no trouble getting a boy's attention during her school years, not to mention she found out about her 'preference' only a couple of years back.

Gwen noted the various emotions that flitted across the brunette's face and she wondered if perhaps, she really did understand. Her lips forming a smile at the statement, she nodded her head. "I cannot disagree with you on that. Thing is, becoming stronger always comes with a price and I find myself wondering, if it's worth it."

"Sounds good," the ex-Auror replied and tried to attain the carefree feeling she once used to have. "Did you used to do this a lot before?" Gwen realized with a disappointment that she did not know much about Marianne, other than maybe the basic things.

And for the redhead, curiosity was never at it's best.

"The only girl I ever kissed doesn't like me back," Marianne admitted, sighing at the thought of Adria, a small smile flitting across her face. Though she'd long since accepted that nothing romantic would ever happen between them, some part of her heart hadn't quite gotten the message.

"I hope it does." Marianne chewed on her bottom lip. That idea hadn't been completely foreign to her. "But I've seen it work for so many people, Gwen. If it's worked for them, why not for us?"

Didn't they deserve that chance to be happy?

"Alright," she chirped, gently prodding her horse in that direction. "I used to come here with my dad all the time." She grinned at the memories. "My parents got divorced when I was really young, and so between being at Beauxbatons most of the year and living with my mother and step-dad, I really didn't get to see my dad that much.

"Horseback riding was one of things we did together." Sighing softly in happiness at all those memories, she rested her elbows on the horse's back before she shook her head. "But I'm sure you don't want me to bore you with my life story."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the redhead murmured hesitantly. "Well, unless she has any valid reason, then it is definitely her loss." She wanted to breathe a sigh of relief, because as selfish as it may be, she was glad that Marianne was currently not seeing anyone. No matter how much she denied it, it did hurt that there was not much of a chance for her.

Her heart fell on hearing the professor's dejected tone. "It will work for us, soon," she found herself saying quietly and realized suddenly that for once, she did believe it. As far as she was concerned, no matter whatever mistakes they may have committed, it still was not a excuse for fate to grant them the happiness they crave.

"That sounds really amazing," Gwen smiled. "Not the divorce part of course," she added quickly with a sheepish look. "Still, it is always nice to have a few good childhood memories."

She shook her head. "Trust me, I really do not mind the listening and believe it or not, I want to know as much as I can about you. And I apologize if that sounds something like a stalker," the ex-Auror grinned lightly.

She gave her head a small shake to clear her head. "It's fine, we're still friends. And I'm pretty sure her reason's valid." A little smile pulled her lips upwards. "She's straight. Seems to be a pattern in girls I've liked." Marianne shrugged her shoulders. She could hardly blame anyone but herself for it, now could she?

Grinning, Marianne gave Gwen's hand a finale squeeze before letting go. "Soon," she repeated, twirling around. "I'll be counting down the days until then."

She grinned brightly. "It was. My family's always been so important to me." Humming softly, she laughed softly. "I don't remember my parents ever being together. They got divorced before I turned one, so them not being together's just been normal for me." It'd become a fact of life for her a long time ago. And she had to admit, her mother was happy with Sebastian.

"Yeah, it is, isn't it? Childhood memories are just amazing. They're all just so cute." Clapping her hands, she grinned, her face lighting up. "What about you? What's your favourite childhood memory?"

Amusedly, she tilted her head at the redhead. "Well, I don't think we'll have a problem unless I start seeing you everywhere." She let out a little laugh.

"Well, I guess I can't really talk about my childhood without mentioning Bonnie." Her face brightening at the thought of her best friend, she fiddled with the reins. "She's been my best friend since we were seven. I'd just transferred into her pre-wizarding school class, and I was the only one in the class who'd talk to her." Her smile widened. "And the rest, as they say, is history."

"That is really depressing, right? How people always end up falling for the wrong person," Gwen chuckled humourlessly and shook her head. "But on the bright side, it's nice to know that you both are still friends, at least that part was not affected."

Thinking about her own family made the redhead upset. All the years she had spent hating all those humans who had taken her parents away from her was just too much. She knew she was the one who was meant to die. She was the witch after all, that they all loathed and feared.

"As long as your parents are happy while being apart, nothing else matters, I suppose," she said with a forced smile before looking away and focussing on the road ahead.

At the professor's question, Gwen took some time to think. Was it all so bad that she couldn't even think of one instantly? "My best memory is with both my parents," she finally replied. "The day they found out I was magical, they gifted me with some family heirlooms that were believed to have magic within. I still keep them with me for good luck."

"I think they would have been proud of me if they could see me now."

"Why is it that only you'd talk to her?" The redhead asked, hoping to divert the topic before she ended up spilling everything, including tears.

"Yeah, it can be." Marianne pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. It didn't matter how often it happened, it still hurt each and every time. The sting of rejection broke her heart, even if she couldn't blame the girls. "But sooner or later, I have to meet the right girl." She nodded. "And I think, now that she knows, we're better friends."

She nodded, though her gaze lingered on her friend. There was something about the way she said that....She shook her head. She couldn't make Gwen tell her what was going through her head.

"Aww," she said softly, grinning. "That must've been amazing. Those cute moments with your family when you're young - they stay with you forever." Cupping her head in her hands, her grin widened as her childhood memories with her siblings came to mind.

"Wait," she paused, sitting up a little straighter. "Your parents can't....I'm sorry," she said simply, clapping her hands over her mouth. "I'm so sorry."

Humming softly, she thought back to those classmates. She wondered what had ever happened to many of those she'd never seen around Beauxbatons. "They thought she was weird." The exact reason why was Bonnie's story to tell. "They bullied her. They were terrible. But the new kid didn't care what they thought." A glimmer of a smile lit up her face. "The new kid was pretty cool, if I do say so myself."

Though Gwen could not find the strength to say it out loud, she knew for sure that which ever girl Marianne picked, would be one of the luckiest girls in the world. "I'm sure you'll meet the right one soon," the redhead told with a assuring grin. "And I hope I find my half as well," she added mostly to herself.

She couldn't do it, she couldn't even pretend to be happy about it. Sure the good memories never left, but they were completely overshadowed by the horrible and scary ones. Looking at the brunette's bright expression, the ex-Auror knew she should have been able to feel a little lighthearted, but quite the opposite happened.

"Please do not be sorry," Gwen quickly responded with widened eyes, all other words of the ex-Priduex going right above her head. She pulled on the reigns, stopping the horse and got down, feeling a slight suffocation.

Forcing herself to calm down, she closed her eyes tightly, desperately trying to erase the visions that had constantly haunted her mind since forever and she almost forgot the brunette's presence.

"We can only hope, can't we?" She offered a small smile. She'd been waiting for years, though. A little longer wouldn't kill her. She wouldn't describe herself as being patient - not by a long shot, but this was something she could wait for. Waiting to heal, on the other hand, was something she couldn't.

She watched Gwen carefully, her expression slowly becoming worried. There was something wrong. Marianne was sure of it. Maybe it wasn't overtly noticeable, but there was something different, and Marianne didn't think it was for the better.

"Okay," she breathed, eyes wide in alarm. "I won't be?" Her words came out more like a question that she'd intended. But she couldn't help but feel sorry. What else was she supposed to feel?

Pulling her horse into a stop alongside Gwen's, she got down as well, chewing on her bottom lip. "Don't - I - just - Come here," she murmured, closing the gap between them as she wrapped her arms around the redhead.

"I think hope is the only thing keeping me alive right now," Gwen replied with a shake of her head. She felt like many things had gone wrong, and for the biggest loss of all, she blamed herself. She wished she hadn't been born, maybe then her parents would still be alive. Or at least, she should not have been a witch. Living as a Muggle would have been fine.

She wanted to pull away and say she was fine, but for once, she did not have the strength to. Her arms went around the brunette's shoulders, her face buried against Marianne's neck and her eyes still clenched shut. Was it some sort of a panic attack? She was not sure.

"I am sorry," the redhead found herself murmuring repeatedly like a chant. Picturing her parents in her mind, the same words left her lips before she grew silent. Her breathing became slightly even and her grip on Marianne loosened.

Still, Gwen was reluctant to completely let go, feeling like she needed the support or else her knees would give her away. "I...that..." She could not let the words out, almost hating herself for losing her composure. Her gaze left the brunette's, a single tear making it's way down her cheek.

"Don't think of it like that," she murmured, frowning slightly. Only having one thing keeping you alive seemed almost like a recipe for disaster. "There has to be more then that keeping you going." Chewing on her bottom lip, Marianne offered, "I'll always be here, you know. I mean, if you want, I can always be..." She trailed off, shrugging her shoulders helplessly.

Patting Gwen on the back with one hand, her other arm pulled her closer. "It'll be alright," she whispered into her friend's ear. "Alright?" Nodding as she tried to convince herself of the same, she tightened her grip on the redhead.

"Shh, you don't have to say anything." She was at a loss for what to say. How could she, when Marianne's family had always been there - always - even when everything else had been practically falling apart?

Letting her go, her hands fell to her sides. Staring at Gwen, her expression soft, she reached out towards her, brushing her tear away with the side of her hand. "Gwen..." she trailed off, biting on her bottom lip. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's fine."

"There isn't anything that's completely mine to keep me going," the redhead told quietly. "Every minute I spend with my 'family' is a lie. I feel like I want to get away, but something is holding me back." The smallest of smiles appeared at Marianne's words. "Thank you, I will keep that in mind."

Gwen sighed, doing her best to calm down, "It is not going to be alright. I've told that to myself lots of times, and yet...." she trailed off, feeling her heart constricting in the most irregular way possible. When was the last time she felt like this?

Then again, when was the last time someone had asked about her family?

The ex-Auror looked up in surprise at the brunette's action and held her hand tightly. She just needed to hold on to something. "I do not know how to tell you," she admitted in a whisper, shaking her head wildly. "And you will hate me, if you knew the truth."

That was one thing Gwen would not be able to bear.

"I'm sorry," she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and cursing herself for not being able to say something more substantial than those two words. Had those ever helped her? No, so why did she think they'd work here? "I know that feeling," she said softly, breathing slowly. "When you really want to do something but just can't can't?" Marianne nodded. "You're welcome." She grinned.

Placing her hands flatly on the girl's shoulders, Marianne looked up at her. "Then I'll make it alright. I'll do whatever I can to make sure you're alright." Wasn't that what friends were for?

She squeezed her hand, searching her face with her brown eyes. "You don't have to," she whispered back, giving her head a small shake. "Not if you don't want to." Marianne took a step closer to Gwen, letting go of her hand to wrap her arms around her again. "I could never hate you, Gwen. Not in a million years."

"You do not have to be sorry, that never helps anyone," the ex-Auror replied with a humourless smile. "In trust, I apologize for my behaviour, I am usually more composed than this, but family has always been a touchy topic for me." She nodded her head, "I know that leaving would perhaps be the right thing to do, but like I said, it's not possible right now."

Gwen was slightly shocked by the brunette's words. Sure, she did have people who said they cared, but to hear them from someone she genuinely liked and just may be crushing on? It was truly a wonderous feeling.

"I could never ask that from you, it'd be wrong of me to so," the redhead told softly. "Really, I didn't mean to be a bother."

She let out a frustrated sigh, "But that's thing, I do want to tell you, just do not know how to." It was a bit of a long story, why would Marianne want to listen? Her own arms automatically went around the ex-Priduex's shoulders once more, as though it was getting to be familiar. "Good, because I do not want you to hate me either," she murmured, her hold tightening.

She did not know which was scarier; her confusion about Marianne or haunting about her family.

"I know," Marianne said, chewing on her bottom lip. "But I can't help what I feel. Never could." Maybe that was her problem. She was always so emotional and panicky and she'd never been able to hide it. She shook her head. "It's alright. You don't have to apologize. We all have topics that make us emotional." Destan and anything that reminded her of him was a trigger for her. "I understand, really. It's not like I do the right thing all the time." An amused smile flitted across her face a moment.

"Gwen, honestly, you're not a bother." Marianne reached out to cup her face with her hand. "I want to do this."

She stared up at her, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. "You can take your time, find the right words..." She offered a small smile. "I'll wait until you can. I honestly don't mind. You - you're worth it." Ignoring the bubbly feeling in her chest that accompanied those words, she grinned. "Then at least we agree on that."

"It is just not emotional, it's horrifying," Gwen replied in a shaky whisper and let out a breath. Everytime she thought of the fire, the way she just stood there helplessly and in shock, it was enough to feel hatred for herself. She should have done something, but how could she have? She didn't know proper magic and there were people all around.

The last thing she wanted was to have confirmed the rumours that there indeed was a witch living in their midst.

The redhead tried her hardest to ignore the soft feeling that accompanied Marianne's touch. More than anything, she hoped the ex-Priduex was experiencing at least a little of that inexplainable thought. Sighing softly, she nodded her head, "Just know that you are free to walk away, if you want."

"How can you say I'm worth it?" She asked quietly, her heart-rate increasing rapidly. The closure between the two was making her nervous with anticipation and one of her hands reached up of it's own accord to slightly graze the brunette's lips.

"I want to kiss you Marianne, but if you want to push me away, now would be a good time."

"Most emotional things are," Marianne said softly, a frown pulling on her lips. Hadn't Destan's death been all of that and more? It'd come out of nowhere, and all she'd wanted after that was to turn back time and make him come back and give herself that chance to fix things.

But she couldn't. No matter what, she'd never be able to.

"But you get through them, Gwen. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?" She looked up at her, her expression hopeful. Though it was true that she herself didn't always believe those words, there were moments like this in which she did.

"I know." Marianne nodded. "I'm not going to go anywhere, but I know I can." Why would she leave? How could she leave knowing that Gwen needed her? Just thinking about it made her feel sick.

For a moment, she looked about to cry. "Gwen, why would you think that?" Swallowing against the lump in her throat, she stared up at her friend. "You're amazing. And that's a fact." She nodded to emphasize her words. She wouldn't let her down. She couldn't. Not this time.

Blinking down at Gwen's hand and then back up at the girl at the words, she blushed a deep red. "You want..." She trailed off, unable to comprehend that someone actually liked her. "M - Me?"