all these things i've done

Lena knew it was late, but she kept staring at the wall around her. She forgot what it was like to be home. The last time she was in this room, right here, was Christmas in her Third Year, and that was an awful long time ago.

It was funny how much had changed in a year and a half.

The Uchitel buried her face in the pillow, sighing heavily. She felt tears well up in her eyes, and she had no trouble letting them fall, her quiet moans unheard by her family.

Rose woke up hearing the sounds of crying from Lena's room which was beside hers. She was living here now. At the Vorstenbach's and soon she'll be able to call herself a real Vorstenbach.

She jumped out of bed carrying the teddy she had been cuddling with. She wandered over to Lena's door and opened it not bothering to knock.

"Lena?" she asked in a small voice while she rubbed at her eye, her other hand holding the teddy bear by it's hand. "What's wrong?" she asked again wandering towards her.

She sat on her bed frowning a bit. She then showed Lena the teddy bear. "Doctor Teddy don't wants you to be sad" she said, childishly, she felt safe here so she let herself be the fun loving innocent child she was supposed to be.

When the door opened, Lena's head immediately shot up, ready for action. When she realized it was Rose who had come in, her guard let itself down a little, and she realized she must pull herself together in front of her daughter.

She watched her daughter walk into the room, and the elder Uchitel's lips twitched. "Um..." she sighed, wondering for a moment whether she should lie to her daughter.

"There's something, Rosie," she whispered, opening her arms wide as an indication for her daughter to come and envelop herself in her arms. Le needed that support anyway.

Looking at Rosie's teddy bear, the elder child laughed. Her laughter wasn't exactly... joyous, however. It was too hollow for it to be a kind one. "Doctor Teddy, huh?" she asked curiously, "tell me more about him."

Rose climbed unto the bed and clumsily deposited herself between Lena's arms. She felt like a baby when she was held like this but didn't care. She didn't get these kind of hugs when she was little. A slap there a kick there was always the same.

She snuggled closer holding Doctor Teddy close. "What something?" she asked curiously and a bit nervously. She hoped Lena didn't know what she was thinking. Because she was thinking about the time she met Kieran, the time she almost killed herself.

She looked at Doctor Teddy then glanced back up at Lena smiling. "Well Doctor Teddy is a doctor, he specializes in listening to peoples problems!" she said before pouting and narrowing her eyes playfully. "Hey! Don't change the subject!"

Lena felt Rosie close to her, and the warmth was unbelievably soothing for her body. She had felt too cold and too heavy, and her daughter seemed to take most of it away from her, as if she wasn't a day over thirteen.

"I'm your mummy, yes? Not legally, but, y'know..." she replied, looking at her daughter as if she was a child. She might not like this, but it didn't matter. She took a deep breath. "And like every family, there is a daddy." She rested her head on Rosie's shoulders, "Would you want to hear about him?"

Raising an eyebrow, the Uchitel shook her head in disbelief at her daughter. "Goodness, your teddy bear's a psychologist?" she asked, trying to stifle an amused laugh.

Rose snuggled into the hug, cuddling her teddy bear in one arm as she did. She looked up and smiled at her Mother before a frown started to etch it's way into her face.

"A daddy?" she repeated questioningly "Yes i would like to hear of him" she said, smiling lightly as her mother rested her head onto her shoulder.

She made a face at what her mother said. "A psychologist?" she repeated clumsily. "Doctor Teddy is no crazy person!" she exclaimed thinking a psychologist was someone who was crazy.

"Alright," Lena replied, exhaling. She wasn't sure exactly what sort of story to start telling her daughter, because so far it looked like happily ever after to the world's worst tragedy. Not exactly, but it was close enough.

"So... um, let's start with how we met... shall we?" the elder blonde began hesitantly, a light blush upon her cheeks, "riiiiiight... so... it was in first year... it was around September... and, uh... I was in the library. Yeah. And in the library, I was studying for something. I don't know what and I don't care. Sooo... I see this beautiful redhead with the biggest, sofetest blue eyes in the world... and... and... it was... oh God." She shut her eyes. "It was like heaven had come and slapped me in the face."

Lena laughed, shaking her head. "Nooo... a psychologist helps to treat crazy people, silly!" she chuckled, combing her daughter's hair with her fingers.

Rose raised an eyebrow at her mum. "Your stuttering" she said her childish attitude gone. When it came to matters of Love or anything like that she was always serious. Not wanting her past to happen yet again. "Mummy you're being overdramatic" she said her lips quirking into a smile then she fell into a thoughtful silence.

Should she tell mum about what had happened? About the boy? She growled lowly thinking bout the boy again then shook her head hoping her mom didn't notice.

"Oh" she said her childish attitude once again back. "I didn't know that"

When people usually spoke of her being overdramatic, Lena would usually scream at them and swear and all sorts of other things. However, this time, she didn't. She only pressed her lips together, letting the block in her throat dissipate. She let herself blush. "I know," she whispered, clutching Rosie close to her, "but that's... that's how I feel about him, Rosie." She smirked. "One day, you'll feel the same thing about someone too. For all I know - you already do." Nudging her daughter on the shoulder, she whispered, "Do you have a special someone I should know about, hmm?"

Lena laughed. "Well, you learn something new every day, now don't you?"

Rose smiled softly at Lena before her eyes narrowed and a frown graced her features. "I don't!" she said defensively as a still memory of the boy's face came to her mind. His name she can't remember now. It had started with a K she was sure of it. "Besides we're talking off dad" she said trying to throw her mum's curiosity.

She nodded "Yeah" she said before thinking like how you have seizures from a fever. She shivered as she thought about it.

"Denial!" Lena retorted, her smirk growing wider at her daughter's frown, "you are so, soooo suffering from denial! Don't worry, love, tell me aaaaaall about it... that's what mummies are for, right?" She pressed her lips gently on Rosie's forehead, still clutching her.

"Daddy? We were talking about daddy, huh?" she repeated, trying to rack through her memories. She firmly nodded once she found the right section, "Yeah. Daddy. So, I met him in the library, and soon, we were an item, right? Yeah. We were an item. He helped me through everything, and he knew everything about me, and I knew everything about him, and that hippogriff of his tried to kill me. His name was... Emrys." She laughed. "Oh, I'd do anything to see Emrys right now..."

Rose giggled at her mother's attempts before shaking her head. "Nope not in denial!" she exclaimed stubbornly before smiling. "If you and daddy are of the same age" she said a frown starting to grace her features. "Then he would be in the same year as you" she then looked her mother straight in the eye. "Emrys? There is no such student named that"

For a bright child, Rose always took things in. She was a girl never to be underestimated. "Emrys" she said slowly before a grinning like a cheshire. "Rhys Edmunds. Rhys E. Emrhys" she said smirking at her mother.

"Whoever said Emrys was a student, Rosie?" smirked Lena, beginning to split Rosie's hair in three so she could start plaiting it, "and yes, Rosie, we are the same age. Now, what house is Daddykins in?" She winked. "I want you to guess." She laughed along at Rosie's joke on Emrys, because after all - who didn't find that funny?

Rose rolled her eyes. "You met in the library." she said. "There are no libraries near home or outside Durmstrang near enough for students to venture out" she said a matter of factly.

"Hrabrost" she said before blushing remembering someone other than the boy who saved her.

Lena sighed, braiding her daughter's hair, "You know... he was the first person I met that understood me without much explaining. I mean, I have to explain myself to most people, but... he knew me. It was as if... we were meant to be." She sighed loudly, burying her face on her daughter's shoulders for a brief moment before rising again.

"Do you know what happened on our first date, Rosie?" began the mother, trying her best not to shed her tears, "we went to the Black Swan and ate, that was good. But you know what happened after that? I made this entire garden turn into Lapland and we went ice skating! H-He nearly killed me, rakaani*, but... he gave me my first kiss. My first date. My first... love." A tear rolled down her cheek. "My love. How did I manage to betray you? Will you ever come back to me? I'm so sorry... j-just... tell me what I can do to help you... I-I love you." She began to burst into tears, forgetting all she was supposed to be talking about.

---

*rakaani = my love.

Words in italics were spoken in Finnish.

Rose turned around and treaded her fingers through her mother's hair in a attempt to sooth her as she enveloped her in a hug. "Shush now Mama" she said, soothingly. "Calm down" she added before wiping the tears from her mother's face. She almost felt as if the roles were reversed now. Rose was now the soother and Lena was the troubled. "I do not understand you Mama, remember?"

She shook her head trying to keep a light heart as her mother burst into tears. She started humming a poem she made into a song. "When your mother starts to scold you She says it's cos I love you Momma please don't cry But it don't make matters better When you resemble you father and you learn That the alimonies run dryMomma please don't cry You know you'd never ask me why I'll wipe the tears that flow from your eyes And hold you like you're used to hold me" she sang quietly to her.

Eventually, Lena's tears had to stop falling once there was no more. She curtly nodded, "I-I... I'm sorry, Rosie. It's just that... I hadn't the chance to do that in a long time... and I mean long. You understand, don't you?" The Uchitel laughed bitterly. "I am one crappy mum, aren't I?"

Her eyes widened, Lena listened to Rosie's voice. She began to burst into tears at Rosie's song, because it made her feel happy and sad all at the same time, and she didn't deal with conflicting emotions well, that was true. She then decided to sing a song of her own, which she had heard from one of Enya's old records.

"A rose will bloom, it then will fade
So does a youth.
So does the fairest maid.
Comes a time when one sweet smile
Has its season for awhile
Then Love’s in love with me
Some may think only to marry.
Others will tease and tarry."

---

(ooc: song is 'what is a youth' by nino rota.)

Rose nodded her head slightly and started stroking her mums hair, "I understand mama, people do need to cry once in a while" she said before sighing. "You arent a crappy mum" she said a slight amused tone in her voice,

She closed her eyes listening to the song a small smile on her face. "Mama have a beautiful voice" she said before glancing at Doctor Teddy. "Doctor Teddy thinks so too" she said.

She remained silent for a while before uttering in a sob like wail. "What if daddy doesn't like me?"

Lena nodded, and tucked a strand of Rosie's hair behind her hair so it will look neater when she finished braiding it. "I am so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter," she whispered, pressing her lips on her daughter's forehead, before resuming to braid her hair.

The Uchitel laughed, the first time she had ever heard herself laugh like that before. "I'm not that good; Lora's an awful lot better than me." She then gently pressed her finger on Doctor Teddy's nose before letting go.

"I'll make him like you, love," Lena replied, smirking.

Rose grinned when her mother kissed her forehead. "And I am lucky to be blessed with a foster mum as nice as you" she said before frowning. "Even though you are not legally the one who adopted me" she said letting out a sigh.

She hummed a while as she gets her hair braided before making a face. "Lora? As in Alora from Slushatel?" she asked

"No one can force anyone to do anything" she said shaking her head slightly

"Oh. Patty's legally adopted you; that's good enough," Lena replied, an optimistic edge in her tone, "where is that bitch, anyway? She ran off with my cookies at dinner. That whore." She shook her head in disapproval.

"Yeah," Lena replied, "why, do you know her?"

Rosie tutted at her mommie. "No calling your older sister that!" she said before blinking and laughing. "Now i'm acting like i'm the mum and your the kid" she said trying to atifle the remaining giggles.

Rosie grinned widely. "Yes! She's my drinking buddy!" she said before clamping her mouth shut.