Ipso Facto || Minister's Manor

A park
About Three Blocks from Minister's Manor

Being outside, in the cold under normal circumstances was completely unreasonable. Perhaps even now it was unreasonable, she was probably liable to make herself unwell again, but she needed the fresh air to keep her awake.

She needed somewhere completely unfamiliar to tell him. She needed somewhere that if everything fell to hell, she wouldn't have to look at it ever again. Kallie needed to get this over with.

In hind sight, perhaps her owl to him could have been less worrying - a few jotted words, words she had hardly thought about. The words were something to the effect of "I need you" or something else as cryptic and vague, and directions on where to find her.

Now, sitting on the swing, her body exhausted, her daughter hiding somewhere in a house in her room wanting nothing to do with her, and her fiancée probably worrying about her where ever in the house he decided to place himself, she had nothing to do but wait.

Wait for the father of her child to arrive.

So she could inform him he was the father of her child.

He had apparated immediately, no forethought or afterthought necessary. She had summoned, he had come. It was just how it was, and it was how it would continue to be. He had somehow ended up behind her, but the walk toward her was short, albeit silent. From the shadows he evaluated everything around them, the empty playground, the way she was sitting, the difference between her heartbeat and her breathing patterns. She seemed... alright. Her scent was slightly off, faint traces of a scent he should remember, along with Eli's, distracting him for the briefest of moments before he continued.

Silently seating himself in the swing next to her, he grinned, the relief evident in his expression. "You had me worried you know." He teased lightly, pushing himself gently. "Sending me an urgent owl to rendezvous at a seedy location."

"Sorry," she spoke softly, almost detached. She didn't understand how she could do this again - she didn't have the energy to do this again, but there was no other time for it. "I didn't really... think. I didn't think."

What else was new? It seemed she never thought, even when she was under the impression she had thought things through, some little problem she hadn't foresaw threw everything she thought she knew out the window.

"Its... not that seedy, my home is just down the streets away; sometimes, if I leave the windows open I can hear the children playing... when its daylight."

Her heart twisted at the mention of children, she used the heel of her hand to wipe the stray tears that escaped; she didn't bother hiding the action, Brock would have seen through that attempt anyway.

"I asked you here to tell you something," She hadn't looked at him, except for that brief glance when he had sat down. She couldn't look at his face, at the grin that was there currently, knowing that in a few moment she'd be the one to have removed it. "Its not... its probably not going to be easy to hear, and its certainly not going to be easy to tell, but... I need to ask you to just let me get through it, before you say anything and also..."

A frown took up residence on her face. A half though working its way through her head.

"Can you ever remember a time... a time when you were so scared of something, no not even scared, that's too weak.. Terrified petrified of some thought, reality, outcome, that you couldn't breath, couldn't rationalize, couldn't think? Nothing else could possibly exist past the fear?" She finally took that moment to look at him, her shinning eyes locking on him for a long moment, "If you know that feeling... please, can you try to remember it? For me? I know... it might not change anything, but... if there is any hope you'll understand... you need that feeling, because that's exactly how I felt, the whole time."

She held his gaze for a moment longer, before she had to look away once more.

Brock's grin softened, then slowly faded, his eyes taking in her expression before was in motion, sliding to the ground to kneel before her, his hands going to the chains of the swing by her waist. "What's happened, Volchon- Kallie?" He asked softly, his eyes imploring. "What has you so..." He reached to caress her cheek, hesitating before his fingers touched her skin, his brown eyes wide and worried, even as he listened to her.

"I have-" He thought to the first time he'd lost her, the second time's panic that had brought him here so quickly. He thought of never having a family, of growing up in a boys home and never knowing where your next meal would be. He thought of the terror that filled him the first time he'd changed without her - the slaughter he had been surrounded by as he regained his humanity.

He thought of the chain tucked into his shirt, the burn he had almost gotten used to.

"You underestimate how much I understand." He murmured, the sincerity in his voice belying a much deeper emotion, one that shined in his eyes as he continued to gaze up at her, even as she looked away. His voice lowered, and he cocked his head to the side. "You never need to be afraid of telling me something, Nik- Kallie." He gazed up at her imploringly, the trust in his eyes unwavering. "Look at me." He murmured softly, eyes searching in an attempt to meet her gaze. "And tell me what's wrong."

"But I am - I'm so-so-" his hand barely touching her skin was already dissolving what ever resolve she had. Her voice, level before shook with each word. How had she survived saying this not once, but twice already? How was she supposed to get it out a third time?

A look upwards was too much. The look on his face, the undeniable trust. He understood the emotion now, but did that really make what she had done. Her shoulders began to shake with silent sobs, as something inside her was slowly being torn to shreds, "You a-always trust me. Every time you trust me and I-I-I-" shaking hands hide her face. Control was the last thing on her mind, but she needed it. She needed to stop feeling, just this once - just one more time. If she could shut everything down for just... just a few more moments then she could-

"I really am heartless."

The comment, a horrid realization that was dawning on her were uttered in a soft gravely voice. When she finally lifted her head again, attempted to wipe away the dew covering her face, she found a thin layer of ice there instead. Winter, had its wonders didn't it? If the air could freeze her pain to her face, then perhaps she could freeze it into the back of her mind, just for a moment longer.

And she couldn't be a coward about this. Not any more. If she was going to tell him, Kallie was going to tell him looking into his face, not hiding away at the ground.

"I -I," she halted over the words, deep brown eyes two unfathomable pools swirling with the entire chaos that was in her mind. "I don't even know where to start."

And that was the truth. It was so simple and yet... she couldn't just say it. There was so much to it, than "I had a baby", than "You're a father", then "I was a heartless coward."

It was complexly simple.

And she didn't know where to begin.

"You've yet to disappoint me." He murmured, taking her face in his hands and gazing up at her. "Take deep breaths. Relax." He rose fully to his knees, never breaking their eye contact. He allowed himself to get lost, pulled under the raging tide of her emotions, feeling as if each of them were his own. His thumbs brushed away her tears, touch tender, even caressing.

"Why don't you start at the beginning?" He asked softly. "Even if it is a long story, I will listen all the way through, alright?" His eyes continued to search hers, flickering briefly over her expression before returning to hers. "It's only me." He murmured. "Just your Pentu. You don't have to be afraid when you're with me. You can tell me anything... I thought you knew that."

She took the breath, not that it made her feel any better. It only caused her heart to fall with a dull flop, "But that's the problem. I didn't tell you everything. Not when I should have, and now..." she gave a hollow laugh, "Now I've made a mess of everything."

A shiver convulsed through her body, though she wasn't sure if it was from the cold, or every emotion warring within her. Her gut said it was a bit of both. Still, she had to do something, she had to keep it together long enough to say this one last time. Taking another deep breath, she nodded her head slowly, losing herself in the brief comforting moment of familiarity - the moment where everything was just as it had always been between them.

The moment before she shattered it.

"Right, the beginning. Just... start with the beginning," another breath. "Please... try to remember that fear, just... just for a bit. It might make... Oh I don't even know any more."

The beginning, the beginning, the beginning... where the hell was the beginning.

"I guess... I guess the beginning was about twelve years ago now... twelve years ago, there was a boy, and a girl who sitting in a magical room that could be anything that they wanted it to be were supposed to be studying. But... they didn't study did they?" A slight tug at her lips, possible the first thing close to a smile she'd made in a while even though the action was slight, and sad in nature. Even if he wasn't sure about it, he knew this story. He was this story. "They were... they were happy, but then she was foolish enough to let everything fall around them. And like an old nursery rhyme, once everything crumbled there was no fixing it. School ended, and the two went their separate ways.

"But... that wasn't the end of it. It wasn't until later, once she- I was alone, trapped in some hellish place I was meant to call home that I realized that things there were supposed to be happening weren't, and that things that weren't, were."

The silence dragged out. Kallie wasn't in the park any more, she wasn't almost thirty. She was back in her past, barely out of school, locked in the bathroom, curled up on the floor, ignoring her father's pounding as everything she had thought she'd known crashed around her.

"I was lost, I was alone, I was so damn scared..." a muscle in her face twitched, the only expression that crossed her blank face, still lost in that space across time. There was another pause, slowly, her gaze focused again, catching his and her nerve wavered for half a second, and then resolved again. "I was pregnant."

Her tone, distant, only wavering when she allowed herself to think about it, up till then, switched. It became more rushed, quivered more. The wall of the past that had been holding her current pain and confusion back snapped, messing past and present together into a large mess that was Kallie at present.

"I couldn't stay there, not with them, not like that. So I took my m-money, and got a bus to where ever the f-first train was going, and l-left. I bought a crappy little apartment and got a degrading job s-serving people greasy food. And every single d-day I t-told myself I-I was going to f-find you. I-I was going to tell y-you... and every day I d-didn't. Every time I thought about y-you or-or the b-baby I panicked. I panicked so bad I could hardly b-breath, I could hardly function. W-wh-when I thought a-about the baby my panic o-only increased w-what I already k-knew. I'd be an awful mother. E-verything she did I'd-I'd panic. I-I could barely keep myself together, h-how could I- how c-could I-?" she chocked over the words. The panic she had struggled to keep at bay every day of those nine months were returning to her, and it was taking over control as swiftly as it had back then. "I-I couldn't. I'd ruin her life.

"And w-whenever I thought about you. Every-every insecurity u-under the moon came to me. Y-you'd want her, y-you wouldn't... I-I think most of all, I was scared you'd want her, but-but not me. I c-couldn't wa-watch you both-both l-leave me to-together."

Again she was over come. The only sound in the space was her ragged breathing. A trembling hand rain through her hair, nervously curling the ends once they were done.

"S-so, I-I found her the b-best adoptive parents I c-could find. And they-they really w-ere the best. And- and I spent every day w-with a letter in my-my pocket telling myself I'd find y-you, I would... and I didn't. I-I didn't- I didn't even realize how, how much I need to tell you, not even for you but, for me until I was standing alone, a puddle at my feet, in a that damn cafe, going into labour completely petrified. By-by then it was too late. I threatened a poor nurse - probably s-scared him to d-d-death, but-but they were all M-muggles. They-they had no hope of finding you. Then-then it was over, and-and I was going to wait- I was going to wait, tell them to wait, and find you-you deserved to hold her, e-even just once... but-but I feel asleep, and-and when I woke up s-she was gone." The reality of that rung in the air just as horrifying as it had been that day, all those years ago.

"When I woke up she was gone."

He froze, his gaze not leaving hers for the duration of the entire story, a trembling that started as a slight shiver and persisted until he was nearly vibrating.

His gaze never left her.

There was silence, soul aching, heart breaking silence, but for the second time in his life, Brock Cox had absolutely no idea what to say. No idea how to form his lips around the words that would make everything better, no clue as to how to express how he was- how- his reaction to such news. All he seemed to be able to do is stare up at her, his expression lost, waiting for the punchline of a joke he didn't think was all too funny.

"Vy ne shutite....?" He whispered, his expression forfeiting over to awe. Suddenly he was in motion, he lifted her off the swing, spinning them both as he let out a happy yell. "Yapapa!" He cheered. "Yapapa! Yapapa!" His Russian thickened with his happiness, and suddenly he was talking, asking all the questions he wanted to know, all the things he wished he'd known all along. "What does she look like? Does she have my eyes? I bet she has your hair She's all organized like you, right? Or is she a slob like me? How old is she now? When's her birthday? What's her favorite color? She's a wolf right? Does she like strawberries? What's her favorite subject? Is she good at potions?"

He stopped spinning suddenly, gazing up at his Volchonka as he slowly loosened his hold until she was just above him, his brown eyes sparkling. "What did you name her?" He asked breathlessly. "What did you name our daughter?"

Spoiler:

The silence was the worst. Those few moments where the world deadened, her voice stopped, and his yet to start. As he searched her, she looked back just as hard, trying to gage what his reaction would be. How bad-

And then he was grabbing her, a little shriek coming out of her mouth as she was spun around, confusion in her mind, this reaction not on her mind at all.

"I'm sorry," her mind automatically switching to Russian in response to his change. "Yes, yes you are, and I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Just once she was gone, it seemed cruel-"

A little laugh, sad in nature escaped her lips. She shook her head, as she looked down at him, the way she was held making her taller than him for once in their lives. There were so many of those questions she did no know.

"She'll be twelve on March the Fourth, at 12:43 am, sharp. She's perfect... really, perfect - I've never seen anything more... I'm so sorry I didn't let you," she bit her lip and shook her head, "She does have you're eyes... I think, her hairs blonde, though it looks like it might be a little less unruly as mine always was."

Worrying her lip, she thought of something, "I always thought she might be a wolf, yes. I informed her parents of that before... and about that, they wouldn't have, they would have... Brock, you might already know her."

She let that warning hang in the air, not sure if it strengthened or weakened the blow of what was to come later.

"Evelina. I named her Evelina."

His hold loosened until they were nose to nose, and he was gazing up at her, something in his eyes achingly familiar. Then he was kissing her, pressing his mouth against hers and leaning into her. Slowly, he pulled away, a boyish grin tugging at his lips. "Sorry." He said softly, though anyone who knew him at all would see that he wasn't, not exactly.

"Yapapa." He repeated softly, his grin untamable. His eyes sparkled with a happiness that had not been present for the last eight months. "Evelina." He whispered. "Evelina Nikkala-Cox." His grin widened, his hold on her tightening.

He paused slightly, remembering a certain wolf cub, just instated to the pack, her scent familiar - though he hadn't known why, originally - her eyes so much like-

"I know her." He said, a huge grin flying across his face. "I know her and I know her fa-" His voice disappeared, his expression dropping into something odd, something not quite Brock. It wasn't quite angry, more puzzled, stuck between the crazy happiness and the sadness of having missed not only Evelina's childhood and birth, but Kallie's pregnancy as well. Slowly, he let her slide down until her feet were on the ground, looking down at her, but not really seeing her.

"You were alone." He said softly. "I- I left you."

Blood thudded in her ears as she suddenly found herself face to face, eye level with the man. From this angle, looking into his eyes it was hard to remember that time had moved forward, that things had changed. For a brief second, she could almost imagine this was years ago, in a world where she didn't make herself suffer alone.

And although she'd forever lean upon the fact that Brock did kiss her first... But, that was just the thing - from that point on she'd always wonder if it had been a matter of he moved first. Because in the back of the mind, she knew a moment longer and she'd be moving closer too.

"It's-it's," she shook her head slightly, colour rising to her cheek, and obviously a little fluster, "Its okay - or well I mean its not really ... its okay."

But even when she knew that she should feel guilty about not thinking about Eli for the moment, she couldn't help the way his spoke, the wonder, the way his face light up made her feel - she couldn't help the way that name made her feel. What if...?

What was the point of dwelling on what ifs? There was nothing one could do about them.

Her mood dampened slightly by his next words. Her father... her father was dead. She opened her mouth to tell him, to tell him the rest of the story, but his next words, as she was lowered to the ground, distracted her completely. Her heart clenched and she shook her head.

"N-no, I made myself alone. I didn't give you the chance to leave me, and you w-w-w-" she swallowed. She couldn't let him blame himself when it was her fault.

Swallowing hard, she look ducked her head, worrying her lip. There was something she could do. She didn't know if it would help, but maybe it would make him feel...

"I k-know, its too late to really do anything, b-but I mean I could... if you want," she paused, shaking slightly again as she looked back up. "You could see it, my-my memories. It, it will never be the same, but it will be something. If you want."

"It's not okay." He murmured, pressing another kiss against her lips. "It's just..." he kissed her again, his lips moving against hers for even longer before he tugged himself away. "...I can't..." He was kissing her again, eyes closing in bliss. He'd almost forgotten what this felt like, having her against him. Feeling like someone loved him first. Feeling as if he was someone's first choice, not their fallback. "...stop..." he paused, his lips millimeters from hers, his eyes slowly opening to meet hers. "...sorry... I just..." His hold around her tightened protectively, his pupils dilated. "I- I'm... Yapapa... My ... My ... roditeli!"

He frowned down at her. "You left because I couldn't say the simplest thing in the world." he said softly. "Don't think I've forgotten. How could I?" His fingers brushed her hair behind her ear, his gaze flickering between his eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you that I loved you, even though I have since I met you. We could have-" He traced her jawline with his fingers, touch gentle. "Sorry... I just-" He took a deep breath, looking away from her. "I have a lot of regrets from that month."

His eyes widened, his gaze snapping back to her. "Can I?!" He grinned. "Please?!"

Spoiler:

Overwhelmed, Kallie found she could do nothing but just stand there, letting him go until he stopped, kissing back on the every time he didn't. She knew, on some level it was wrong, but... he was her first love. There was nothing you wouldn't do for your first love, wasn't that what they said?

"Maybe... maybe just for one night, a few kisses, can be alright."

Something about the night seemed to be moving, twisting and changing time. Rules that had been there before, were gone, walls that they had always kept up, obliterated.

And yet, that still did prepare her for hearing the words she had spent every single day of her life, ever since she had seen the boy it felt, waiting to hear - and realized the second he was gone, the second she didn't have to see him and doubt, that she always knew he felt.

I love you. She could say understand it in four languages - anywhere across the world, every time she had heard it, she'd feel a jolt of longing. It was the Christmas present she couldn't unwrap, was sure she'd never be able to unwrap. The feeling she had felt when Eli had finally said the words was indescribable - the northern lights, every mystery under the sun.

But there was still something... missing.

This was the puzzle piece she was missing. The love she knew she had, but the world had never confirmed, not properly. And yet now that she had it... the feeling was hollow, the apology when the forgiveness was gone, rain after the flowers have already died, the call for peace when both the armies we're already demolished. The joy she wanted to feel, the way her soul wanted to soar, was trampled by the mere fact that...

It was too late. She made choices, given words she just couldn't go back on. And it didn't matter how much she still loved him.

But those were realities for other nights, other pains to deal with. For that brief space in time, for that witching hour - or well past it - she wanted to pretend she was still young, still free. She wanted to know what it would have felt like to hear that before, Eli, before complicantions, before other loves. She wanted to know what it would have been like to hear that when she had first asked for it.

And she knew that feeling would have been wonderful.

Standing up on her toes, brushing her lips against the cheek turned towards her, the moisture leaking from her eyes transferred onto his skin, "Then that makes two of us." Lingering, she pushed forward, bringing her tiny frame level with his ear, "Though, no matter what we regret, what problems it will cause later, has caused, is causing. I loved you too, still do - always have, always will." Kissing his cheek one more time, she pulled away again, a bitter sweet smile coming to her face at his eagerness to her proposal. Despite herself she stepped away.

Giving a nod and a laugh - she could always imagine him wagging a tail when he used that tone - she waved her hand towards him, trying to indicate for him to take out his wand. "I would not offer if I were going to take away the offer later. Of course you can. Just... cast the spell, I'm confident my Occlumency skills are still good enough I can direct us to the right memories. Though, to be fair, not all of those memories are... it wasn't always my happiest moments."

Something in his chest rebelled, pounding and jolting and making him feel as if he were nothing but a boy getting told that for the first time. That was the thing about Kallie. Without a doubt, she could always take him back there; to a time when everything was simpler. Him and her. Love. What he'd wanted before he even knew it.

A bright red blush sprung from where her lips touched his skin, his eyes closing in bliss as he thought over her words. Had he ever doubted them before? Yes, in fact, in the face of Eli, in the face of marriage, Brock had been sure that any and all emotion his Volchonka had felt for him had been flushed out, replaced by something better and deeper, directed at someone else. It was a relief to hear he hadn't been forgotten. It was heavenly to think that she would never stop loving him, even though she'd chosen someone else.

Taking her face in his hands, he pressed his lips against hers once more. He knew that this was a bad idea; it would hurt more in the daylight, he'd have to act like he was thinking of something else whenever he was talking to her at work, but in the subspace and half-reality they seemed to be in at that moment, it was fine. More than fine. Better than fine. The kiss was soft, gentle, undemanding and slow. Speaking the words in the only way the young him had known how:

I love you

"We should sit down." Brock murmured, letting her take her step back. Hesitantly, he exstended his hand to her, gesturing to the swings with the other. "We wouldn't want you to fall over or something." He pulled out his wand, waiting until they were both seated, entertwining their fingers and leaning the side of his head against the chains of the swing. "Deep breath." His eyes searched hers, something deep within the depths wary, though his excitement almost completely hid it.

"Ready" He whispered. His wand hand rose, and he grinned. "Legilimens."

Darkness, all consuming darkness almost tricking her into thinking she was alone - in fact it was almost a relief to feel that comfort of alone, that comfort of nothing in flashing at her, striking, demanding begging.

It was a relief to be in her own mind. The emotions that had been warring within her all day, the excruciatingly beautiful pain that throbbed through her as she had felt his lips against hers, causing her tears to bleed into the action, the taste of him mingled with their distinct salty flavour, were all alive in the darkness. She could feel them brushing past her skin, trying to wrap her in embraces she had not invited. But, that was the joy of her mind, of the darkness. When they were only darkness, she could keep them at bay - she couldn't see them, she could avoid feeling them.

But they weren't the only thing in the darkness, not the only thing waiting for her her, and she wasn't there alone.

"Brock," her hand stretched out in the darkness, the man too was hidden within the world of no lights, to meet his. They had memories to see.

And she knew where to find them. Always did.

"Watch you're step. And don't lose me will you?" Her grip tightened on his hand even as her voice held a tone of joking to it. In her own mind - an odd concept considering they were both in her mind- she counted the steps as if this mystery world were real.

Taking a turn even though it appeared their was nothing blocking her way, the woman mumbled allowed, voice thoughtful, "And it should be -"

Without any warning, not visible action on either human's part the darkness erupted in bright lights as the walls of the bathroom of her childhood home, promptly materialized around them, enclosing the two with a much younger version of herself, long blonde hair, hiding her pale, horrified face from their view for the moment.

Kallie had brought them to possibly the lowest point in her life. It certainly felt like a physical representation of it, as she watched herself curled on the bathroom floor.

"No place, like the beginning to start, yes?" her tone was slightly detached, as she let go of Brock's hand to weave her way over to the sink, pulling herself on top. She made a face as her younger self coughed up what little remained in her stomach, "Still not pleasant to watch from this end, huh. My dignity would have preferred we skipped this part of the memory."

Her arms were curling themselves around her middle of their own accord, she could only manage half glances back to Brock, not able to allow her gaze to linger on him. Instead it caught on the small piece of plastic her other self was still holding - she hadn't dropped it yet, "The first day I knew. Of course I knew before this, I new for weeks, just couldn't admit it. This was the moment I had to stop lying to myself. This was the moment every other decision spiralled from."

The darkness was different, not as empty as darkness usually was. His fingers were before him, trying to find out where he was before he was holding onto Kallie, being led through the darkness and in the right direction. Someone could hide a lot of things in one such place as this, Kallie's mind was a hiding spot, of sorts, he supposed. The darkness cloaked everything, and only she could find it.

What he'd give to have more than a day in here. To hold her close and soothe her fears, to look back on her memories of them and laugh with her.

Those days had passed. He'd missed his chance, and though he wished it weren't true, he had to live with it now. He had to live with the greatest mistake of his life.

He jolted to a halt, and he was in the familiar setting of Kallie's bathroom, the pounding of her father's fist on the door nearly ripped a protective growl from his mouth, but he was already on his knees beside the memory-her, confused for the briefest moment, gazing into her face and raising a hand to brush her hair out of her eyes. For the briefest of moments it seemed it would work, but then something shifted, and he was no longer touching the memory her at all.

He stayed like that for a few minutes, just watching as the memory-her stared at the small plastic indicator and slowly broke down. He didn't try to touch her again, however. He just stayed there, waiting it out until she was in motion, stuffing the test underneath some of the trash already in the trash bin and storming out.

In an instant, he was at the sink, his arms wrapped protectively around Kallie - the real Kallie - 's waist. "I-" Words failed him, and his hold on her simply tightened, as loud a statement as it had been all those years ago. "What's next?" He asked, his voice the tiniest bit wary, though it was all but overpowered by his eagerness. There was something about the image of Kallie round with his child that his inner wolf was proud of- something about the idea that she and he had made something perfect...

"I want to be there every step of the way." He murmured softly. "I know I can never- I can't really make up for not being there, can I? But I want to- I need to-" He stopped talking again, pulling back just to gaze into her eyes, even as the memory Kallie stormed out and the bathroom began to fade.

He knew she would understand.

There was something heart wrenching about watching him interact with the self that didn't exist any more. Kallie felt as if she could almost feel that hand, all those years ago, try to push her hair away, but her rational mind knew that it hadn't happened. That she past self was still there where she always was, in her bathroom, completely alone.

His arms around her, though startling at first, were a godsend. She leaned heavily against him, slipping off the sink before it would disappear with the rest of the memory. Kallie already hurt so much, and it was just the beginning. She knew there was much worse to come, and she wasn't entirely sure she could handle it.

His gaze was almost more than he could handle at the moment. A hand reached out to softly caress his face, before she curled into him, hiding her face in his chest for the moment. She knew although the bathroom had faded, the rest of her memories were going to quickly come and replace it. She had locked them all away in the same place, hidden them all into one cell she didn't have to look at. They never had to move - it would all just keep playing.

"I know," she whispered after a moment, "And you already have." It was with reluctance that she pulled away to see the blurred and bouncing image of her packing, and then leaving the house. Her memories had some how gone on fast forward with out her realizing.

"I left. I c-couldn't stay there. So I packed up and left," a image of her at a train station showed for a moment before it was replaced with a dark and empty apartment. No one else was in it. Her mind had just brought up the space, not the place or time. Not yet. "I bought a crappy apartment, and got a crappy job. There-there was nothing r-really that interesting to see... nothing until," she frowned, her stomach lurching as a small tree, with old fashioned flashing lights materialized in the room, broken Christmas carols surrounded them. "Christmas. That would make it Christmas."

With more strength then she thought she had, Kallie managed to look around the man, to see herself, stomach large, face wiry, sitting in the only chair in the room. The only piece of furniture besides the tree, and the table in front of her.

"I'd forgotten how awful I'd looked," she breathed taking in the figure she made. "All slight and slender except for that mound coming out of my stomach." The rustling of a piece of paper reminded her what she had been doing. She opened her mouth to explain, but her own voice, soft, gentle, stopped her before she could start.

"We would have had a great first Christmas, you know, My Darling."

Brock gave a small sound as she pulled away, his eyes sliding across the memories as he tried to keep up. The memory-Kallie was moving, packing, doing things that seemed important, but he...

His eyes seemed to be caught on the growing mound that was her belly.

"Kallie." He whispered, awe clear in his voice. "Kallie, look at you." He moved closer to the memory her, falling to his knees beside the couch, wishing beyond at doubt he could press his ear to her stomach and have little Ev respond. "You're beautiful."

There was something immensely pleasing about the image she made, round with his child, on the couch as if awaiting his arrival. It took a full moment for him to look past that, look past the happiness his wolf had at seeing her this way, and see her struggle. The little place she lived in. What she was doing to get by.

The fact that he'd never walk through the door.

That's when her words reached him.

"Christmas." He murmured, almost to himself. "I came back on Christmas." His eyes stayed on the pregnant her, fingers twitching. It was painfully obvious how much he wanted to touch her. To pull her into his arms and take all her troubles away. He was the father of her child. It was his job to-

And he'd failed at that too.

"You weren't at home. Your mother-" his voice vanished, and something seemed off about his face. Her mother had blamed him for her leaving, had blamed him for everything. She'd thrown things and yelled about how if he'd never been there... none of this would have happened.

She was right about him.

"I couldn't find you." There was something wrong with his voice now. "I looked everywhere. Zino had to stop me. I was driving myself insane, looking. And you were never-" his voice broke, and he took a breath that sounded suspiciously like a sob. "You were never there." His shoulders trembled, but his eyes had yet to stray from the other her. "They had to-"

That. He wasn't talking about that.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, Volchonka. I didn't look hard enough, I didn't - if I had I would have, I'd of found you. But I-" his voice broke, and he seemed to collaspe in on himself, his arms folding on top of the couch and his head resting on them, shoulders hunching, his body attempting to seem smaller than it was.

Like a puppy expecting a kick.

He hadn't been Alpha then. He couldn't just send out squadrons of wolves to search each and every inch, he'd done it himself. He'd barely slept for the month following Christmas, and they'd dragged him back kicking and screaming, simply because he'd forgotten his potion and-

"I'm sorry..."

Throwing herself over the side of the couch, snuggling into the space that her past-self left, Kallie hardly took any care as she forced the man's head off of where it was heading, forcing him too look at her.

"You're sorry for what?" She almost sounded angry. She almost felt angry. How dare he try and blame himself for... for everything, as if he had the right to-to-

As if she wanted him to feel badly. As if it was his fault she was the way she was, did the things she did. In fact, it was his fault, it was his fault that she was like she was now, and she was glad for it.

"For what?" she repeated, giving the head she had forced up a little shake, slipping off the couch and forcing herself into the small space between the two, practically falling onto his lap. "Are you sorry that I ever met you at all? For being the man I love? Because I'm not. Do you understand me? I'm not.

"Brock how could you even- Do you know what I'd be like if I never met you, if you had never came into my life. Do you know where I'd be? Not here, not now. I'd be even more broken, inhuman, heartless than I am. My parents, you've seen my parents - what do you think I'd have learned from that? From them? Anything worth knowing? My parents couldn't look at me without seeing the child they didn't have, the child they'd rather have. The other children in my town? Most of them were older, they were Elena's friends, I was just Elena's sister, they looked at me and saw here too. Things weren't any better at school. I didn't know how to interact properly, socialize, make friends. From the age of five I was taking care of my parents, not the other way around. The kids my age just saw the weird girl that thought she was too good to stay in the grade with them, the kids in my year saw some snobbish little girl who thought she could act older than she was.

"Then there was you. Always, and only you. I don't understand why you did it, why you chose to talk to me, the small quite, strange little stick in the mud, but you did. And slowly I saw things could change, I could let my guard down, I could relax, maybe even let my heart feel some things, instead of always using my head. You showed me I could feel without turning into my parents. You taught me kindness, fun, compassion, love. You taught me to love Brock; I don't think I could have done that before you; I really don't think I could have done that without you."

Her face was almost right up against his, the small space, the way she had crowded onto his lap, practically demanded it. Kallie still had a hand placed on either side of his face, determined to make him look at her, determined to make him listen to understand. Her life would have been nothing without him. Sure she might have met Eli, but would she have known how to react? She might have still had her job, but what good was a job when that was all you could focus on.

Without Brock her life would have been nothing than her jobs, and her parents dependency upon her.

"So forgive me, if I don't want to accept your apology for that." Again she paused, letting the firm words she spoke smack through the air. "As for that," she nodded her head to where her past self was drifting off to sleep. Kallie couldn't count the number of times she had fallen asleep at that couch, rather than getting up and going to the cramped bedroom. "I did that to myself. I was a big girl and made my own choices; I could have found you just as easily as you could have found me, but I didn't let myself - whether I knew I needed you or not, I didn't let myself. As for my mother, she was, and still is, sick. What makes sense in her head is not the reality of the rest of the world. I love her, but she has been unwell for as long as I can remember, so I don't want to be hearing how her opinions are shaping your own view of her your self."

There wasn't really anything left for her to say; that was there life, that was their world. They had put each other both into the places they sat, for better or for worse they were the shapers of the others lives, the defining moments, concrete facts. Every pain and heartbreak that she had, was all worth it to have said she'd known him, loved him.

Been loved by him.

Their future might be impossible, was impossible, but on some basic level, they would always be them, Kallie and Brock, Nikki and Veni, Volchonka and Pentu - each others.

They would always be each others.

"Look what we've done to each other," the soft spoke realization was like a shot in the quiet room, the Christmas music having already cut out. He'd gone after her, but she'd already left. They missed each other by moments, every time. It was the law of their relationship, doomed from the start. "Do you still want to go on? The... rest is... this is going to get much worse, before it really gets better, if it gets better."

Brock gave a small sound of complaint as his gaze was forced up to hers, something swimming in his eyes that looked a lot like regret. There was nothing he wished he could go back and fix more than this. Where a younger him would have wished for a family, for parents to properly raise him to be something more than a fuck up- now he wanted nothing more than to prove he could do something right.

He was starting to believe nothing was right anymore.

His arms wrapped around her almost on their own, succumbing to his need for human contact before his mind was any wiser about it. He leaned into her, a small whine sliding from the back of his throat and slipping under her words, almost inaudible.

"You aren't a stick in the mud." He argued automatically. "I needed you much more than you needed me- don't you see that? If it weren't for you- I'd be dead right now, an orphan on the side of the road who's life went bad one too many times, and didn't get back up again." He swallowed thickly, closing his eyes against her presence, needing nothing more than to feel that she was still here with him. It was an act he had repeated many times in the year after their last - their final - break up, only then, he had only had memories that weren't enough, and thoughts that he could not share with her. Thoughts of the marriage she would never find out he'd planned, the proposal that he'd worried over and the ring still around his neck. She would never hear of that either, not from him. It was over and done with, and he could tell she was struggling to move on.

Brock would be a burden no longer.

"Without you- Kallie, you were the only one who'd ever talked any sense into me. Can you imagine who I'd be if we'd never- If you'd never-" He was shaking, and there was nothing he could do about it. He had seen what he could do without Kallie, and that in itself terrified him. To know the kind of monster he could be- that he had been-

"You wouldn't like the man I am without you." He said thickly. "I don't- You wouldn't-" He shook his head again, giving a short laugh. "I'm- I suppose I'm glad that I've gotten you to loosen up via osmosis. It had to happen eventuall-" He gave another laugh, and suddenly found he couldn't think, he couldn't pause to breathe, and he simply could not seem to stop the laughter rolling out of his mouth until he was near to sobbing into her shoulder. "Look what we've done to each other." He repeated. "We've fixed each other just enough to get broken again."

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes once more and nodding. "We have to keep going." He said with conviction, his hold on her tightening. "I have to- see it all. I have to make up for- I can't but- I have to see." He finished. "I need to see it."

She swallowed hard, 'time' already moving forward around them again, the lights, shadows shifting which each day and night that passed, though she was hardly noticing. Her whole world was the man before her once again. In moments like these she often wondered if Brock ever wasn't her world. Her life seemed to be a string of moments defined either by his presences or his absences.

"You don't have to be without me," it was a promise that she was confident she could keep. "I know we can't, we can't kiss, or touch like we use to, but that was only part of our relationship, the part that was less important, really, to me anyway. I loved you because you were my friend, not the other way around. You ever need someone to talk reason into you," she gave a wavering smile, before leaning to press a soft shy kiss to his cheek, "I'll always be somewhere. Just find me."

The changing around them had slowed, the day was hovering to one near the end of her pregnancy - the very end. Her stomach, although she had hardly thought it possible - was even larger, and although Kallie could see (and remember) that her passed self was trying to hustle out of the apartment she could only move so fast. It was driving her insane.

Although she watched herself leave the apartment, she didn't make a move to follow. It was late morning, and time had gone back to normal - they had time before anything eventful happened. Instead she turned back to Brock, worry on her face. Although some things fade with time, everything about that day was crystal clear.

"Listen, Brock," she grabbed his face, holding his gaze steady for her once more, "You have to promise me, or just know... anything I say or-or do out there, I caused it all with my own choices; its not your fault that I was-was... I am neither blaming you in the moment, nor am I blaming you now."

She was always blaming herself.

Grabbing his hand, she lead him firmly out the door of the apartment, and the small cafe she had worked at appeared right around them. The noise was softer than the lunch rush, this was the cross-time, late lunches and early dinners. Still not letting go of Brock - she needed something to centre her, something to keep her from going insane, watching this all again - she looked around the room. Memory didn't always work exactly like real time, if she was controlling it right - which she knew she should be - the her old self should have been somewhere, around...

She felt her own insides clench at the sound of crashing plates, the hand holding Brock's tightened almost as if she could feel the contractions that caused her younger self to drop the plates all over again.

Biting her lip, she refused to turn around, waiting for it, waiting for the sharp in take of breath that would sound an awful lot like...

"Brock."