dementia, you're driving me crazy

Frodo entered the book shop as though these paperbacks would solve all of life's problems. He wasn't expecting that much really, it was just the first place he thought of coming to.

As he walked deeper towards the shelves, he recalled the conversation he had with Ashleen a few months back. It was one of those times he had felt at ease, and was glad now there was someone he could at least go to once in a while, were he in trouble.

The Hitrost had not really communicated with anyone in a while, mostly keeping to himself. He was glad that no one noticed, as they were too busy with their own problems. It was fine by him really, he wanted to remain hidden, even if it meant in a shadow of his own emotions.

He sighed as his thoughts diverted to Kait. Since that day in the forest, he had been avoiding her, and knew without speakable terms, that they were no longer together. All he had wanted to do was hug her and kiss her and show how much he had missed her, but after the things he couldn't.

Something in him broke that day. He wondered if it was permanent.

"-Bought this from you, and I plan on keeping it!" Kait raged at the book keeper, in her regular appearance. "You had it on the shelves for selling, and you accepted the money! Now that you know that something is hidden in it, you want it back you selfish bastard!" She was so close at discovering the mystery of this book (something that Arkadi was a bit upset at her finding it out so quickly), and wasn't going to let this old man prevent her of it.

"M-Ma'am," He stuttered, shaking violently. "But... I.. I could offer plenty of money in ex-" Kait shrieked and slapped him. "You know fully well I have a whole fortune of old money at my finger tips! I don't need any more!"

The Brunette grumbled and grabbed her precious book. She went to the shelves, and started looking through the books, looking for anything that might help her research. "I shouldn't even pay for the books I get here," She mumbled, angry. Her hands ached to punch somebody. Or a punching bag at least. It couldn't hurt. She needed to take a break... no she can't take a break. If she took a break she will think about Frodo, Lora, and Dylan. She couldn't.

As Frodo turned to the side, he froze as he saw a figure at the far end. It was too familiar to be forgotten, though he hadn't seen the girl in days, due to effective avoidance plan. Of course, he could just turn the other way and walk away, but something told him he couldn't.

Besides, the book he was looking for might be in one of these shelves. Though on the inside, he knew that was not the reason he wasn't going away.

Half hoping Kait would just ignore him, his eyes trailed the various authors as he tried to spot the one he needed. His fingers moved effortlessly across the bindings, murmuring to himself the names as he passed each one by.

Finally finding the one he needed, he picked it out amd flipped through the pages, almost forgetting about the presence of the brunette.

Kait felt a presence somewhat near her, and glanced up curiously, anger forgotten. Eyes searching, they found the figure of her... ex-boyfriend? Boyfriend? Kait wasn't sure what to call Frodo anymore. Though she wished she could call him her boyfriend- maybe even something more. After all these years of constantly changing, Kait was almost ready to stay put just for a little bit. Or better yet- have Frodo that constant thing in her life. Just like Alora and Dylan. It was obvious those two are going to end up married, have a few children. That Dylan was going to end up something muggle-like, and Lora was going to end up being an auror. Kait secretly worried about Lora in that job field- for her safety, and if Lora was able to harm people who attacked her. Lora was such a sweetheart... that Kait had a hard time imagining it.

Kait took the time to study him, while pretending to be looking for books. His posture wasn't has stiff as it was when she saw him again. But you could still tell that he was worried, and stressed out. Kait watched his fingers, trailing the books. They were long, sturdy. They were the ones that had tickled her so many times, stroked her cheeks. Her eyes trailed up, and stopped at his neck. How many times have she kissed and bite that spot of his that was extra sensitive?

Kait closed her eyes, in remembrance of the many memories threatening to come up again. She missed Frodo so much. Now having him close to her, but she couldn't touch? Or even speak to? It was hard, but worth it at the same time. If Frodo never wished to get back with her and start dating another girl, Kait will stay back and watch. She hurt Frodo too much to make the first move. Not until he is ready, if he will ever be.

He is so beautiful, She thought sadly. I miss him so much... I made him go away because what I did. I wish that I had stayed, and tried a little harder.

It took her a few minutes to figure out that she spoke those thoughts out loud. A blush crept up and Kait hid herself in a book, cursing herself.

Her voice bought him out of his reverie, and glanced in her direction with a raised eyebrow. "What was that, Kaitlen? I do not think I heard you right," he said in a neutral tone, knowing she could hear him. "Were you talking about me? I sure hope you were and it was not someone else you were mentioning."

He knew he was smiling on the inside at the brunette's sentences. Merlin, it took every ounce of his willpower not to grab her and kiss her just like the old times. He wanted to feel her touch once again, he could hear the silent plea from his mind.

But his heart was alert, reminding him not to fall through the cracks again. He'd been bruised one too many times, by the people he cared for, and he could not let it happen again, simply because he did not have the strength anymore to get hurt and move on with his life.

Turning back to his book, he resumed scanning the pages, not sure what to tell the brunette. What can one really say in situations like these?

Kait looked up sharply and stared at Frodo, with a sheepish look on her face. "I-I didn't mean for that to come out. I didn't know I was speaking out loud... sorry." She whispered the last part, and looked down. She missed him so much. But she didn't deserve him- she never had.

Merlin. She was so... unconfident around him. He made her doubt her worthiness of even hanging around with him, made her feel like she wasn't living her life right. Of course, she knew that she wasn't recently, but he was one of the few that made her realize it. He was so special.

"I hurt you too much didn't I?" Kaitlen whispered softly, too low for him to hear. "I love you. I hope that someday that you will learn to love me again, even when I don't deserve it."

"It's alright, sometimes we tend to speak our minds without realizing it," the Hitrost replied with a shrug of his shoulders. "I would thank you for what you uttered, but I'm not sure if that's the kind of thing you want me to say at a time like this."

Closing his eyes, he leaned his forehead against the shelf, almost enjoying the cold on his skin. Why was this so difficult? He had faced her easily and said those things back at the forest, when she first arrived, but now, he could barely look at her without getting his emotions in turmoil.

The devil on his shoulder told him that he would never be able to move on. He would never find another girl so amazingly perfect for him. Sure, their vast differences did not make them fit as puzzle pieces, but the calm and the storm together could do wonders.

As though it were so surreal. He was a house of cards, trapped by her hurricane, but no matter how many times he'd fall, he'd always need it.

Except this time, he fell too hard.

"Again?" He murmured in repetition, his sharp hearing having caught her words. "Do you still not understand? I still love you Kaitlen, I love you so much that it physically hurts to not be with you." His calm voice depicted just how true those words were. "It's a punishment for both of us I think because no matter how much you hurt me and toss me around, I'll still be in love with you. And finally when you realize what you've done, it'd be too late."

"Though it seems like I love the pain, there's only so much a person can take." At that, he thought of Lena and Anya, and their sudden hatred as well.

He had truly lost the people he most treasured. And slowly, he was losing his life; Kaitlen.

"It's true," She told him boldly, looking at him. "You don't realize how... amazing you are. How beautiful. Before all of this, you were always the one that made me see the better side, while Lora was the only one who could persuade me to do something." She laughed a little, than shook her head. "I always had stood by you, even I was gone. I may have not been there, but I was watching out for you guys. If there had been any danger, I would have came running." She placed her book in the pocket of her robes, and placed the book away that did not belong to her. Even when she was tempted to take it out of spite.

She picked at a splinter in the wood shelves, half wishing she could just... well, she didn't know what she wanted. Death? Relief? Life seemed unimportant while they were like this. But there was hope that they could get through this, so death wasn't an option. Kait would no longer be the coward, and for now on, face all of her problems head first.

Kait knew she needed something in life to keep her busy. Something that didn't relate to the wizarding world, just to give her relief for a few hours. A job in the muggle world should do it. That way she won't feel so lazy and useless, and she could start retying her ties to the muggle world. Kait nodded to herself. That was the first step she will take- a job in the muggle world. Then second- go shopping, and get an apartment in the muggle world and wizarding world. Kait needed knew cloths able to blend in the muggle world, and she always have loved getting new cloths.

The ex-hrabrost wiped away the thought of going shopping with Lora, and having Lora help her choose the apartments.

Kait took in a shaky breath, listening to Frodo's words. She closed her eyes, and leaned on the bookshelf, fighting off tears. She wrapped her arms around herself as if she was cold and thought, I've been so weak. Frodo, how can you make me cry because of my guilt, when I don't cry? "I know what I had done, Frodo!" She stood up straight, and took a few steps forward. "I realized the mistake I made, and I wished that I had taken a different route when I received that letter! But... even when we love each other...." Kait trailed off for a second between continuing, "would we ever be able to be in a relationship again? I broke your heart too much Frodo."

"I feel like..." Kait took in a deep breath, and prepared herself for releasing some of her feelings. Something that Kait didn't do- she preferred to keep it all locked up inside of her. "I destroyed that chance. I feel like... you would be better off with another girl, who wouldn't hurt you like I did. I love you so much Frodo... that I am scared of hurting you again. Even when I know I am not going to run away again.... I feel like I can't take that chance."

"I'm tired of running," She whimpered the last part, a tear falling down. "I'm tired of pretending that I can't get hurt. I was something permanent in my life."

"Yes well, I clearly have not done a good enough job if it still meant you had to run away," Frodo replied, trying to keep as curt as possible. "If you were really watching out for us, you would have come back as soon as you had left, because you would have seen the immediate effect your absence had on us."

He wanted to believe her words so badly, but how could he? He had watched her change her appearance right in front of him, as though it was the most common thing. If she could do that in the blink of an eye, she could easily use words to manipulate as she had obviously been trained to do.

The Hitrost once again felt a growing frustration within him. He had always made sure to understand her, showered her with his patience and love, stood by offering minimal advice, and yet allowed her to be wild self. He adored how she was always free, without a worry in mind, while all he could think about was his fear for her. Just once, if she could see how much worry-

He glanced at Kait hesitantly as she took a few steps forward. Right then, he swore he heard his heart break at her stance. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and bring her warmth, that was his thing to do, not hers. Yet, he was frozen to the spot, the emotions trembling within him.

"I'd like to think there is a chance," Frodo whispered ever so quietly. "I cannot be with anyone else, you already ruined me for that. It is you and you only who can heal me. But at the same time, it is you who can break me."

His gaze turned more sharp, and he swore under his breath. "That is the problem Kaitlen, I CANNOT be with anyone else! Do you not get it?! I am bound to you by an invisible force. If I were to date another girl, I'd be doing injustice to her, because the whole while I'd be thinking of you."

"And I am tired of being tossed around like a toy," he sighed, sliding down onto the ground, feeling tears in his eyes. "I want something permanent too."

"I-I thought that you would recover. It became clear you wouldn't- especially from Dylan's owl." Kait took a pause and added, "I really hated that owl of his. Always bit me numerous times when he delivered a letter." She let out a quiet huff, and resumed her previous attitude. "It wasn't very smart logic wasn't it?" Kait admitted, shaking her head.

"C-Can you give me the chance?" She whispered, head bowed. She was selfish, to ask. But it was her emotions speaking for another chance, while her head insisting of backing away from Frodo and giving him a chance to recover. She bit her lip, and hugged herself only tighter.

"Always so kind," She mumbled, with a hint of a smile. He was so considerate, even in the midst of his grief and hurt. She took another step forward, and sighed. "Why are things so complicated- even before this? Remember how we use to be. So innocent, we laughed all the time. All of us were happy because of our popularity and the friendship we had. Was it when Lena and Rhys broke up- was that when it started?" Kait didn't know. It all seemed to happen so fast- it was hard to come up why it all started.

Maybe it was because the world started throwing itself at the seven of them.

Kait walked over to knelt in front of him and placed her head on his knees. She grabbed onto his legs, and started stroking the clothed skin. "Sorry," She whispered, multiple times. Be my permanent Frodo, and I'll be yours forever. I swear.

"You thought I would recover? Honestly, Kaitlen? How the fuck do you expect me to 'recover' from the fact that my girlfriend ran away to Merlin knows where!" Frodo gave a humourless chuckle at that, "At least Dylan had the sense to let you know what was going on, probably would not have come back if it were not for his constant owling."

"I want to, so much, but I am not sure if my heart can handle any more of the hurt," he told softly, regret evident in his tone at not giving the brunette what she needed. Merlin, why was she making this so much harder on him? Sure, he was not fine with the ignorance, but that would have seemed alright rather than seeing her so fragile.

At the mention of Lena's name, the Hitrost felt a fresh surge of emotions. Her words that she was going to run away as well, replayed in his mind and his mind sunk even lower. "All that was just a temporary fantasy," he snapped at her. "It was not anyone's fault. If we cannot be there for each other at times like these, then we never meant to be friends. At the end of the day, we are on our own."

The prefect's eyes widened and he shook his head, gathering Kait into his arms instead, hugging her tight. Someone like her should not have to beg for anything, especially to him. Her familiar scent washed over him like a tide and for a moment, he was only surrounded by her.

Burying his head in her hair, he did not say anything. He just wanted to hold her for how much ever time he could.

"Well, sorry for being hopeful!" Kait yelled, throwing her hands in her hair. "Oh, and I would have Frodo," She snarled. Kait wasn't sure how to react to the mood change, but she was suddenly tired of being the weeping girl. She much much much preferred being the angry one, instead of the weeping one. "I have a hard time being away from you guys. I would have came back- its just from his owling, my guilty conscience, and Iris I came back this soon!" And Arkadi's persistance that I marry someone that wasn't you.

Kait was expecting the answer but she couldn't help but feeling like she was being torn in two violently. Giving a shaky nod, the ex-hrabrost drew in a shaky breath.

Kait glanced curiously at his reaction to Lena's name. Shouldn't Frodo be over from the kiss thing- just like Kait was now? Tossing her brunette hair back, Kait sighed. "Interesting. What did she do to you Frodo?" She questioned him, curious. "And I think we were meant to be friends. We all got caught up with our own problems, and started making mistakes."

Merlin she missed this so much. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she buried her head into his shoulder and shook a bit, fighting off tears. Don't be a weakling anymore. Stand up and fight. But being in Frodo's arms made her not want to, and just stay here forever. Kait didn't dare to say a word, just in case she'll ruin this moment.

"This is soon for you?! You were gone for months, Kaitlen! Months, nearly the whole year and you call this soon?!" Frodo growled angrily. He couldn't remember the last time he felt such a grief and hurt towards the brunette. "A few days or weeks is soon, not how long you've been gone. I'm sure it must have been fun prancing around like a pureblood instead of being with us and our problems."

He chuckled humourlessly, "Lena did a lot of things to me, but at least she was here and I could see her whenever I wanted." Though that was not so reassuring, it was not so forlorn either. Of course, his last encounter with the Uchitel had left him shaken a bit, but it had been easy to get over with.

Then again, when was the last time he had seen a witch get possessed right in front of him?

"Yes, my mistake was trying to understand and be there for you all. It is obvious that you all are well and fine on your own." A part of him did believe that; that he had been foolishly living in his own world where his friends might care at least a little bit and stick around for a while, but boy was he wrong.

Frodo's hands began to stroke the Greek girl's hair gently, feeling her shaking in his hold. He wanted to shout and let out his feelings more, but more than that he wanted to kiss her. Leaning his forehead against hers, he drew in a ragged breath, his fingers brushing aside her strands of hair, before placing his lips on hers lightly.

Though it may have been wrong, it felt right than anything had in a while.

"Do you know how hard it is, to sit at the back of your mind, and try to gain control of your own limbs?" Kait quietly told him. "To pretend you are a pureblood and listen to your grandmother try to marry you off to somebody you don't love? To feel the love for your friends, but being away from them, because they are better off? No matter how many times that little voice in your head, telling you to go back? To.... slowly learn how to depend on people, after all these years?" Kait shook her head. "No you don't. Nobody does. I made a mistake Frodo, a huge one. I wish I can take it back. But you don't understand what I was going through, what I could do. I knew if I asked you guys for help, you would have helped me- but kept me in the same place. I needed a break, from all that mess. To grieve and learn on my own." Her sad gaze sought his, and held him. Put yourself in my shoes Frodo, just for once.

"I bet she a load of help," Kait snarled, jealously ripping through her veins. "Did she comfort you at night and tell you that Kait will never come back? Did she say that I was a little girl that only thought of herself?" The ex-Hrabrost snorted. "Vorstenbach isn't any better off than I. I talked to her recently- you know how she is now."

"Well on my own? I freaking give up Frodo." Kait growled, and took a few steps towards him again. "I'm not going to explain myself anymore. Forget it. Let me know when you are capable of trying to understand why I left."

She parted her lips, feeling her dry lips eagerly respond to his kiss. She shakily raised her hands to combed through his hair. "I'm your sin," Kait whispered against his lips. One hand went down to rest on his chest, and she blinked her brown eyes at him. "You're my savior."

The brunette's words stung like poison, though Frodo was not sure which part of her rant exactly hurt him the most. Could it be that all these years, he had perhaps never understood her? Why hadn't she said anything before? He felt a swell of guilt and grief in his heart, almost burning out the other emotions. Perhaps if he had listened to her really, she would not have felt the need to get away.

"I hope one day that you'll find someone who understands you then," he told, his voice once again becoming neutral. "And I apologize if you feel like I have never tried to, which is really funny because that is all I've ever tried to do. You are so hard to keep up with, but I used to think I had a little grasp on you. Now I realize I had none."

Frodo merely smiled, the action hollow and just for the sake of it. "You amuse me Kaitlen, you really do. You are the one who left without a word and here you are feeling jealous. Tell me, does that seem right to you? And that too, jealous of your own friend?" The smile faded and he fixed his steady gaze on hers. "Do not ever make any reference to Lena being anything more than my friend, alright? I think me and you have already hurt each other enough."

"Maybe I am not capable and maybe it is a sign that there is no chance for us," he said simply. Though it broke his heart to say it, he had a feeling it was true. After all, how could two dysfunctional people such as them ever be together? "Go find another boy; with your new looks, I am sure it won't be a problem."

Shaking his head, the Hitrost got back on his feet, helping Kait stand up as well. "I cannot do this," he muttered repeatedly, resisting the urge to kiss her again. "I am nobody's saviour," he snapped at her. "Each one for ourselves, remember?"

Kait growled in the back of her throat, and shook her head. "Frodo! You don't understand! Nobody will be able to fully understand me, when I don't even understand half of myself! You and Lora are the ones that understand me the most." Kait bit down on her bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. "You did though. You understad that it was the little things I liked the most. Remember the drawing you gave me? That I loved listening to you play guitar. That I couldn't be controlled, and you gave me the free reign. That you let me go to bars when I needed it badly." The ex-Hrabrost shook her head. "You understand death, like me." Kait took in a deep breath, and forced herself to calm down. If she was angry, she couldn't mend the broken seams. "That I won't be able to talk about everything, and all I need time. A lot of it, but now that is working. I'm opening up, after seventeen years."

She felt like a small puppy under that gaze. She felt like a worshipper bending down, to beg for forgiveness to a god. "I'm sorry," Was the broken whisper. I'm sorry doesn't take back the words or actions.

"New looks? Did you think I liked my new looks? Sure they made me pretty, but I hated them," She spat, growling. "Do you think I want to find a new boy? We will never recover Frodo. We got together in first year- and grew up with each other, our emotions tying themselves together. Either we try to mend this, or we will probably stay single for the rest of our lives. You said so yourself." Kait rubbed her hands against her robes. "No actually, you will end up staying single. I am going to end up eventually giving in Arkadi's begging for me to produce an heir with an proper man." Kait narrowed her eyes. "And I'm telling you, I am not doing that." Kait knew that Frodo knew what she meant by it. She wasn't going to be forced to marry and spread her legs to a man she didn't love. Kait would end up disowning herself, or running away. And she wasn't going to end up running away again.

Last resort, running away will be.

Hurt shining her eyes, Kait backed well away from him, blinking away tears. "O.k," She whispered quietly. "Just tell yourself that when somebody goes to you for help. When you become an healer, and your the one who saved his or her life." Backing away still, Kait turned around and went to the other side, ignoring the stare from the book keeper.

Behind her, she had dropped in front of him, the journal (She refused to call in dairy, and clearly said that in the first entry) that she had since she was in first year. Kait had wrote an entry every day after she ran away, pouring out her feelings.

"So what is the ultimate verdict? Do I understand you or not?" He questioned, almost in morbid curiosity. "I do not have the strength for this cat and mouse game, Kaitlen. I gave you the free reign because you were so beautifully wild and you deserved it. But now, here you are, allowing some woman to make up things for you."

He felt slight anger towards the brunette's grandmother also. Sure, Kait may have changed in some positive aspects, but she wasn't the carefree girl he fell in love with. He was the one who was supposed to worry and make sure she didn't have too many burdens. She never listened to anyone, not even to him, and here she ran away to a woman she did not know that.

Fate was being too cruel on the both of them.

"I would not suggest staying single forever, it does get lonely you know," he said, his tone almost casual. "If give up Kaitlen, I give up trying because clearly it is of no use to either of us. If your grandmother wants an heir, I'm sure you'll find a way to give her that, seeing as you've given her everything else."

The Hitrost didn't hear the Greek girl's final words; he turned away and made his way out of the store. And only then, did the tears finally fall, his cool exterior shattering into a million pieces.

He felt like he had left his life back in that store, but not even his heart thought it was a good idea to go back.