I Write Sins, Not Tragedies

Rusnak's Cabin

2 AM

Autumn had rolled around to Russia and Alise was thankful she didn't need to deal with the heat anymore, due to her swollen stomach. She was barely 8 months along and already sick and tired of waiting for this child to find its way into the world. It used to squirm around all night, keeping her from sleeping, but now it had grown still inside its home.

She hoped this was a good thing.

The room was dark when the russian awoke. She sat up, hand on her stomach with alarm. Her elbow nudged her partner- alarmed and cautious at the same time.

"Sacha? Honey?" she whispered, feeling guilty about bothering his sleep. He had to go to school anyday now; he needed all the sleep he could get. "Either I peed myself or my water broke... and I'm pretty sure it's the second one,"

Sacha's eyes open at the gentle nudging. He immediately sat at her words.

"Your water-?" His brain quickly did the math, a faint frown puckering his brow. It was much too soon. At least a month too soon, in fact. Sacha placed a quick kiss to her temple; he didn't wish to worry her by pointing out that which she probably already knew.

"Let us go, then," Sacha said softly, quickly climbing out of bed and pulling on a pair of trousers and a shirt. "We'll have Ketty stay with Matthew. She can bring him later, at a more reasonable hour."

Alise eased herself off the bed, going at a much slower pace than her husband. The hospital wouldn't take someone before contractions started, unless something had gone seriously wrong. She slipped herself into something comfortable and pulled her hair back into a ponytail, giving Sacha a wary smile.

"I'm going to be a mommy, Sacha," she said, hands encasing her belly. There was a dull ache in her back; something she hadn't read about in her pregancy research. Unusual...

Sacha grabbed the bag of supplies that had been packed for this moment (said supplies had been packed several weeks prior). He smiled back at her warmly, putting a hand over top of hers.

"Yes," he agreed, "yes, you are." The man caressed the side of her face tenderly, though he couldn't quite keep the hint of worry from his gaze. He was thrilled, of course - unbelievably so - but the prematurity of the situation concerned him. Maybe, he was just being pessimistic...

"We should say good by to Matthew before we leave," Sacha suggested. "So he doesn't wonder where we have gone when he wakes."

Alise squeezed his hand, then went to take her bag from his hand. She could sense his uneasiness, and she couldn't deny her own , but she flashed him another smile before heading to the door.

“I’ll tell Mattie,” she winked, heading out of the room. She stepped into the child’s room and headed towards his bed. It hurt a bit to bendover, but she ignored the pain as she kissed his cheek.
“Matthew, we have to go. The baby’s coming,” she murmured, “Ketty’s gonna bring you later,”

Sacha pulled the bag back from her with a faint smirk. "Let me carry it," he told her, lightly.

The man followed her up the short hallway to the doorway of Matthew's room. He wanted to be sure he said goodbye to his son, as well. It wouldn't do for the boy to feel that he had been forgotten, particularly since he wasn't.

"Get some more rest," he advised. "It will likely be a while before your brother or sister joins us."

Matthew groaned a little when he was woken up his eyes fluttered open and he saw Alise. Then he heard the words 'the baby's coming' he rubbed his eyes a little and just stared was he really be a big brother he let a small smile creep over his face he knew that both his dad and Alise were excitedly expecting the child and he had to admit he was a little excited to.

He started to crawl out of his bed when he heard his father tell him to get more sleep, he reluctantly he curled up under his covers again and waved goodbye to them he could not form any words at the moment for his brain was too tired to think on what to say and he did not know exactly what to say.

Alise nodded and stood, her hand grazing Matthew's face lovingly. She then turned to her husband, mouth smiling and wide in mid word, when she froze with a look of tumult. Her brow creased after a second, then relaxed as her expression returned to normal.

"Just a contraction," she whispered, trying not to wake Mattie. "Nothing major,"

Sacha had quickly closed the distance between them, his own brow furrowed in concern. He caressed the side of her face, pressing a tender kiss against her forehead.

"Let's get you to the hospital, then, shall we?" he whispered back. Glancing at his son, he guided her towards the door and to the fireplace to floo to St. Mungo's.

Later


Alise lay on the bed of a small hospital room, clutching Sahca's hand. Another contraction had just passed over her- the worst one yet. Just as her body leaned back to relax, her muscles tensed again, letting another wave overcome her.

"Sacha," she warned, "If that doctor doesn't give me pain medication, so help me god, I am going to flip shi-"

The doctor opened the door with a smile, obviously not conserned. Her eyes twinkled at the soon to be parents, even as Alise glared.

"Hello, hello!" she beamed, "I'm your doctor for today!"

She moved around to the woman, ready to go through the usual spiel of the next hour or so, but then paused. Blood. Too much of it for this early stage. Her gaze went to the door, beckoning the nurse at the door to get others.

"Mr. Rusnak? I need to to step out for a few minutes?"

Sacha gently squeezed Alise's hand, though his own fingers were beginning to tingle from her grip. "I'm certain she would be too intimidated to do otherwise," he teased lightly.

The man looked up at the healer, watching as she proceeded into the room. He tensed. Sacha had almost literally made a livelihood from knowing how to read people, better than most others. Subtle though the woman was trying to be, she might as well have had alarm lights surrounding her.

His first instinct was to demand to know what was wrong; his second, to insist that he stay. But... Gray eyes turned briefly to Alise, then back to the doctor.

"Very well," he agreed, turning towards his wife. Sacha gently kissed her on the lips. "I won't be far," he promised.

Alise looked after him, eyes filled with dread. She didn't want him to leave her here, alone with these people. Her gaze went to the doctor, who returned her almost panicked look.

"Mrs, Rusnak," the doctor leaned forward, placing a hand on top of Alise's. The nurse was preparing the pain medication- double the normal dose. This night would be long for the woman.

"Some might be wrong with the baby,"


The next hour was a complete blur to Alise, the pain killers and mumbled voices blurring the boundaries of her mind. She had given birth, she was sure of it, but nothing else had happened. She kept waiting, though. Waiting for her child to be put into her arms, or to hear it cry.

She was speaking to the doctor, unsure of her own words. Pain killers always did this to her- why did the doctor keep looking at the like that?

Doctor Lilly walked out of the room, searching for Sacha. This time, the worry was evident on her face.

Sacha was as close to the room as he was allowed, pacing agitatedly. People were wisely giving him a wide berth. His attention snapped to the healer the moment she was in view.

"What's the matter?" he demanded, long strides carrying him to meet the woman part way. "Something is wrong - I could tell the moment you set eyes upon my wife. What is it? Is... Are they..?"

She placed her hand on the man's shoulder, gesturing to the chairs out side the room. She herself to a chair, placing herself down as an example.

"Something in the pregnancy went wrong," she stated, "And there was risk of losing both for a while. It was just something... we can't explain. It happens, sometimes, in about 1 in 200 cases,

"Your wife will be fine, despite the blood loss," she said, her tone void of expression and completely professional, "The potions made her a bit sleepy, so she's been fading in and out for a while now. There will be pain later, but nothing too major,"

She let the silence sit for a second, then took a deep breath, "The baby didn't make it, I'm sorry. Still born, rejected by the body after its death."

Sacha listened silently, impatiently waiting for the damn physician to get to the ruddy point. He was relieved that Alise would be fine - so very relieved - yet, there was a but; Sacha could tell. In fact, his mind had already drawn the conclusion before it had been spoken.

It didn't make it any easier to hear.

The man's eyes fell shut, the hurt at the loss of his child unimaginable. Alise will be heartbroken... He, himself, was heartbroken. For a moment, Sacha couldn't understand why the world had gone blurry. And then, a tear slid down his face. He wiped it away, staring at the moisture on his fingers for what felt hours, but was really seconds.

"Was it a boy or a girl?" Sacha asked, voice quiet and a bit hoarse. It was important to know, though the man wasn't entirely certain why. "When can I see my wife? I should sit with her - be there when... Does she even know, yet? Has she -? I want to see her."

The doctor crossed her arms around her stomach, looking down the hall in profound thought. "It's a boy. He's small, only about 6 pounds. You're welcome to hold him, of course. It helps a lot of parents to see the child after something like this,"

She paused when Alise was mentioned, gesturing to the room. "You can go in now, if you wish. She's... not taking the situation well,"



Alise stared down at her hands, unsure of what to do with them anymore. What could she do? Nothing, that's what. She was useless, couldn't even have a child. For god's sake, teenagers could have them, yet she couldn't.

The nurse was talking to her, but she wasn't listening. Her eyes never left her hands, even as the man left the room.

Sacha nodded slowly. "I... would... That would be good. I will," he said. "First, I should be with my wife. Alise needs me, our - our son does not." His voice was quiet and lacking its usual calm.

Rising from his seat, he quietly made his way into the room.

"Alise," Sacha spoke softly. He reached out a hesitant hand. He wanted to embrace her, to hold her close and comfort her. But Sacha wasn't certain she would welcome his touch. It had been he who had done this to her, really. It was his fault, and she would have every right to blame him.

Alise tilted her head to look at the man, eyes devoid of feeling. Slowly, her hand found his in silent mourning, her eyes unable to hold his gaze any longer. Her next breath came as a suppressed hiccup. A tear started blurring her vision, so she scrubbed at it with the back of her hand.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. I-I- Could've..." she threw her hands over her face, "Don't leave me!"

That when the tears started to fall. It was all her fault- if she had gained more weight, understood the signs, anything! He would still be here. Her mind kept going back to the baby's room back at home, the one that would remain waiting for something that would never come.

Sacha's hand closed tightly over hers, another pang shooting through his heart at her words, and yet another at her tears. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he pulled her into his arms, holding her close.

"It's not your fault," Sacha told her, tone thick as tears began to trail down his own cheeks. "The healer said th-that sometimes... this happens. So, it's not your fault, Alise. I don't blame you."

He pulled back, just enough so he could cup her face between his hands, eyes wide in panic. "Look at me," he said. "I would never leave you! Alise, I love you too much." He pressed a brief kiss against her lips. "I need you too much. I would never leave you, Alise. Even if... I couldn't."

Sacha folded her in arms, again, holding her as tightly as he dared, as though fearful that she might disappear. His breathing was hitching oddly, and his shoulders trembled. It didn't occur to the man that he was crying; he hurt too much to even think of it.

Alise buried her head into his shoulder and let out a single mutilated sob, unsure of what else she could do at this point. Her arms welcomed him, giving the only form of comfort she could provide at the moment. His quaking made her anxious and worried, but she kept him close.

"H-he was so small!" she whined, shaking her head in disbelief, "They--he..." she broke off, another sob rising in her throat, "Don't leave, please,"

He gave her a gentle squeeze, turning his head to lay a kiss on her hair.

"Shh..." Sacha murmured soothingly, though his tone was a bit thick. "I'm right here, love. I'm not going anywhere. No where, at all."

Alise's crying grew more consistent, then slowly started to fade as her form grew still. She eventually pulled away, tired of his grasp. She wanted to leave this place and never think about this again.

But, she doubted he would ever truly leave her thoughts.

"Excuse me," The doctor had opened the door again, gazing at the couple. "Mr. Rusnak, you wished to see...?"

Alise flinched, but didn't say anything.

Sacha let Alise pull away, though he didn't move from his place on the edge of the bed. He refrained from reaching out to take her hand, instead, leaving his own where she could easily take it, if she wanted.

The man looked up at the healer, forcing a rather grim smile. Bending over, he laid a soft kiss against Alise's forehead.

"Yes. I would..." He had to stop to swallow the lump that suddenly formed in his throat. "I'd like to see my son."

"I wanna see him too," Alise pushed herself upwards, her voice cracked and dry from her tears. The healer raised a hand to her movements, worry flashing across her face.

"Stay there," she commanded, turning on her heel, "I'll bring him in,"

Alise gave a polite smile to the doctor as she left, then sighed. Truthfully, she didn't want to see him at all. It would just hurt her again, but... she needed some closure. Part of her still expected this to be some twisted joke.

The healer walked back in, a rather small bundle of white in her arms. They exchanged a glance wordlessly as the bundle was passed into the mother's arms. After a second of uncertainty, Alise managed to look down at her son.

He was grey, almost blue with the scrunched up face of a baby and hands coiled in front of his face. She half expected him to move, despite the fact his body had grown cold. Softly, she ran a finger over his cheek and up to his little mop of brown hair.

"Sacha. Take him," she demanded hoarsely, "I don't want him anymore. Take. Him,"

She already loved that baby too much.

Sacha had watched Alise interact with their child, heart twisting at the bitter-sweetness of the scene as it played out. It wasn't the least bit fair.

He complied when she told him to take him, drawing the small body carefully to his chest and cradling it in the crook of his arm. His grey eyes gazed down at the child - his child, the one he would never see grow up. Sacha couldn't help but think that he was the most beautiful infant he had ever set eyes upon.

Merlin, it hurt so much.

Trying to swallow the lump in his throat, Sacha bent to brush a gentle kiss to the baby's forehead. "Farewell, my son," he whispered hoarsely, eyes overly bright. "Know that papa loves you."